GlitterBall!!

The Man gave me a big basket of goodies for Valentine’s Day. I do so love presents and his basket containing individually wrapped chocolates, bookmarks, tiny books, bubbles, picture frames and a Ray LaMontagne CD filled my love tank to overflowing.

My favorite gift was a simple bouncy ball. As I unwrapped the ball, pink glitter caught my eye (I do so love shiny things). This man knows the way to my heart…..chocolate, music, and all things sparkly!! The Man held the ball and instructed me that this was no ordinary, shiny, glitter-filled bouncy ball with a heart in the center--it had meaning to it. He bounced it against my floor really hard, caught it and held it up for me to see. He said:

See the glitter swirling around the ball? You can’t see the heart can you? This is like my heart. Sometimes things get a little crazy and you can’t see my heart….BUT….if you wait a few minutes, you’ll start to see the outline and then the shape of my heart. Once things settle down, you’ll be able to fully see it again. This is a reminder that when those times come, all you need to do is wait…..just a bit…..and you will see…..my heart.

Isn’t that just how life is??

Sometimes, that is the hardest part for me…..the waiting….the settling….the knowing that if I can just wait a few minutes (or hours or days) more, the raw emotion wears off and the truth of the matter can be seen. I am a woman of action - - I want to fix things - to reveal things - to understand things - - to just flippin’ DO something to make it all better!! Time and time again, I have to learn the lesson of allowing things to “settle.” Sometimes I learn by success…….but sometimes I learn through failure. When I act upon that raw emotion, I am running into a situation blindly - - blinded by my fears….by my emotion. Raw emotion fuels my actions like dried leaves on a campfire…..making a big fiery show….but no real substantive contribution.

My horse trainers, Bill and Linda Black in Spiceland, IN imparted to me a principle of moving cattle ahorseback--let the herd settle and see what happens. When you try to move cows when things are charged with energy, the heard scatters and you lose control of the situation. Conversely, when you let the herd settle for a bit, you can influence the direction in which they move. Simple principle…..but yet so hard to do for an impatient woman who craves instantaneous results.

Every time I pass by my glittery bouncy ball, I throw it on the floor, catch it, and watch the beautiful glitter engulf the inside of the ball…..and then reveal the heart…..my man’s heart…..and I feel loved.

C is for.........crushed!!

A “C”??????? Really???? Not an “A” not a “B” not even a “B-“ but a flippin “C??” I scan the professor’s comments over and over again. A “C”???????? There were a total of 4 A’s in the class and I think around 8 or so B’s and I got a “C”? I scan over the comments for the 150th time. It’s not my best work, but it certainly wasn’t my worst. The comments, although plentiful, didn’t seem to be “C” comments. What did the people who got A’s and B’s do that I didn’t??

What is a perfectionistic woman to do??

Studying has taken the place of organization. Mail sits in heaps on the counter, dishes are piled up, carpets are unvaccuumed and I don’t even want to address the science projects in the back of the fridge. All in all……..school is totally kicking my butt!!

It seems as if the entire day is mocking my resolve to give myself a break! Even my jeans were way too tight today (after weeks of food revelry of Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day)….it’s Fat Tuesday and I feel just that……fat!!!!

A “C”?????

It’s been a l-o-n-g time since I have subjected myself to the letter grade system of judging the worth of my writing...... I am all for evaluation - - as long as I get an “A.” But a “C”??? It’s history for goodness sake…..not math…..not science!

So what now?? How do I approach this giant, rounded letter?

Cooking is Beautiful.....

The Man and I have decided to share our adventures in cooking with readers for a food and wine blog at Vine and Table in Carmel.  http://www.vineandtable.com/

Click on the link after the intro paragraph to read the post in its entirety.....

Cooking is beautiful - - it’s art using Le Creuset and local produce en lieu of paintbrushes and pastels. The combining of ingredients…the chopping…the preparations are, for me, therapeutic…creative…and even sensual. There is nothing like drinking a glass of fine wine, stirring your creation and dancing to Amos Lee in-between tasks........

http://www.vineandtable.com/blog/post/2010/02/06/Cooking-is-Beautiful.aspx

Enjoy and bon appetit!

Snowplow

Nothing screams “You are alone!” like a snow covered driveway needing to be shoveled. My driveway is steep…..so steep I have to walk down my lawn sometimes to the mailbox to keep from slipping. My little powder blue Audi A4, Carlito, sits low to the ground and, like me, is better suited for sunny days and the beach than 30 degrees and snow.

The snow plows left giant berms of grey ice and snow in front of my driveway. Snow drifts of alpine proportions covered everything in a blanket of white. You couldn’t even tell where the driveway was. Carlito is a german-engineered sexy love machine….pretty to look at….fun to drive……but no good at plowing through snow and ice up a steep driveway.

Shoveling snow is a new thing for me. When I was married, we had a gravel driveway and a tractor, so there was never a need for a snow shovel. I had no idea about the techniques and tricks to shoveling a drive. I look at my neighbors’ pristine snow free driveways and wonder, “how in the world do they do that?” Secretly, I was hoping that I would wake up to a snow free driveway - much like the story of the shoemaker and the elves….you get up and voila….work is done. But alas, I looked out the window and *sigh* snow still there……Carlito still parked on the street.

I pull on my snow boots, find a hat and a pair of gloves and began to dig out my driveway. The first 5 minutes were okay - - I kept seeing cars pass by…..people waving…..and wondering why they don’t offer to help….after all…..I am a single mom…..a girl outside shoveling a mammoth driveway…..where is chivalry…..servanthood…….sympathy?? Remembering that this is my driveway and my responsibility…..I continued to shovel….scrape….and slide snow from one end to the other. *sigh* “I hate being alone” repeats in my head over and over again…..I want to be a part of a team, not a lone ranger. The sound of the snow shovel scraping concrete is a reminder that I am responsible for myself…..that if I don’t shovel this driveway, it won’t be done…..that when the rubber hits the road….I have got to take care of me.....because no one else will. I wish I could say that this is an empowering feeling, but quite honestly, I just wanted to sit down in the snow in my driveway and pout. But what good is pouting when there is no one to pout to…..just me, the snow shovel and two tons of snow.

Seeing that my pity party is just wasting time, I try to at least get a good workout while scooping, scraping, and shoveling. Abs, hips and thighs all got their workouts and I started to sweat. Forty-five minutes later, half the driveway is done. I can pull Carlito in the driveway and be glad that I finished.

Red Velvet Cupcakes

Celebrations are important for our soul!! They are times to revel in joy…..to be satisfied….even if just for a moment….to let our guard down…to put down our list of improvements and just…..be!

Last week, a first-time home buyer I was working received notice that their offer was accepted! Hooray!! I love it when the stars align and things happen as they are supposed to. All too often, life gets complicated - very, very complicated.

This may be a shocker, but I have some very perfectionistic tendencies (yes, I know…I hide it well). My issue is not that I expect perfection in others; my issue is that I expect perfection in myself. I mentally berate myself from everything from the size of my thighs, the lateness of my arrivals, my love affair with the snooze button, my spending, my clutter, my disorganized organization….

I step into the shower.....and remember……I haven’t recaulked the tile.

I walk into the closet and see the pile of dry cleaning that I have yet to drop off.

My fall planters are still on my front porch.

My office……well……it’s the epicenter from a paperwork earthquake.

And of course, my personal favorite….”Becky Pruitt….you said in your blog that you resolved to take more bubble baths…..and you haven’t taken a single one…you are supposed to relax…and be more stress free….and you are failing miserably!!!”

Truth is, I would NEVER speak to anyone the way I speak to myself. I would never tolerate anyone to speak to me the way I speak to myself.

I could say this tendency is only within myself, but it affects my relationships with others. Let’s say that The Man implies that I will run late when we go out. I react as if he has been telling me this over and over and over……all day long. By the time that he delivers this benign implication designed to be somewhat humorous, the tape in my head has already played and replayed this message in my head - reminding me…..rebuking me…shaming me. My feelings get hurt and I withdraw….. and he is sitting there wondering…..what the heck just happened?? I was just kidding with her……

Is this just me??? Am I the only one this happens to????

What does this mean for me?? To be more mindful of the thoughts I allow to percolate in my brain. I can leave room for beneficial self-correction, but do not have to subject myself to self-flagellation. I can allow myself to fail sometimes (I have a tendency to refuse to do things that might mean failure) and enjoy the process for what it is. I can celebrate my successes….I should celebrate my success without feeling like I have to minimize them……celebrate them fully….thoroughly.

So…..last week, after I received the news…..I stopped by Holy Cow Cupcakes and bought a red velvet cuppie. I walked through the door of my house…lit the fire and the candles in my living room…..poured a glass of wine….and devoured the cupcake moment by moment….bite by bite….and allowed myself to breathe…and to revel in joy.