Ouch!!!!

So……my feelings are hurt…..really, really hurt. I am not sure why - after all this time - that they are still hurt, but I cannot lie….it smarts!

Going through separations and a divorce with the X was very difficult……and it is expected to be difficult. It’s hard to live with and love someone for 16++ years and suddenly let go. That is expected and a “known” factor. The unexpected, however, was the friends who suddenly disappeared from my life as a result.

I understand that this is common……I understand that people feel they have to choose one person over another…..or that they may refuse to choose and leave both parties behind. It is understood in my mind, but that message has a hard time traveling to my heart. I invested myself in my friends…..I cared for them…..and allowed myself to be transparent enough for them to take care of me in return. We cried together and played together……learned together and laughed together. What happened????

My friends leaving was almost as devastating as my X leaving. Given…..the X and I were together way longer than my friends and I were…..but in all reality, I can see the things I did to put a wedge between myself and the X…..I can see how I hurt him…..deeply at times…..I remember (cringingly) the fights, the hurtful words, the drama that happens at the end of a marriage…..and (although I don’t like it) I can see why he felt he needed to leave. But my friends…..what happened?? It seemed as if they were there one minute and then they were gone….poof….out of my life forever. Why? Well….I KNOW why……the uncomfortableness…..the busy-ness…..the “out of sight, out of mind” syndrome…..and the inevitable….”I just like the X better…..we have more in common…..” Ouch!! Really??? You want to pick HIM?? Really??

Now some say that if my friends left, then they weren’t really my friends. While this is a comforting thought…..I have pretty much dismissed it out of hand. How many times have I gotten busy with my life and left friendships to wither in the dust? How many times have I not known what to say and then said nothing at all? How many times have I lost contact with someone I really connected with? Did it hurt them? I think it did…. Sometimes people suck (myself included). People miss the mark. They hurt people they care about……and…..sometimes…..I think they simply stop caring. Ouch!

So…..I have tried to get back in touch with one said friend. I email her from time to time and have even sent a facebook friend request. It’s been sitting around…..unanswered…..until I checked last night…..and it was officially ignored. Ouch! I racked my brains……what in the world did I do?? How did we go from close girlfriends….to casual friends…..to “I can only be friends with your X?”

How I want to fix it!! How I want to internalize it and make it somehow a result of my actions……so I can fix it…..and make everything right…….

But….the lesson for me today is not to fix……not to take on guilt that is not mine to take……and like my Man always tells me….to be sad and be okay that you are sad….period….no fixing…..no need to force the rainbow….no tying it all up with a big pretty red ribbon. In other words….be real…..and allow others to be real in return. It doesn’t have to make sense…it is what it is.