Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Well, They Call Them Xs for a Reason

I friend of mine sits on a bench at the courthouse checking email trying to look nonchalant.  Toes tapping...brows furrowing....small sighs escape...tick....tick....tick....tick.....  waiting....waiting...waiting... waiting....  The man beside her leans over and whispers loudy, "getting a divorce??"  Surprised and completely off guard, my friend answers, "how could you tell??"  The man leans back, smiles and says, "no woman looks this pissed sitting at the courthouse unless she is getting a divorce."

What is it about our Xs that set us off--catapulting right back to the moment it ended--to the moment they broke our hearts--to the moments where we feel like we have to defend ourselves??  I was a good wife--you were just to self-absorbed to see it....I listened, cooked, cleaned, seduced, balanced the kids, the checkbook, the menu....I picked up your slack AND mine while making it seem effortless.....did I make it seem effortless??  Are you realizing my efforts now???  Do you see how much I did for you?? 

It's futile, really.  I mean....really.  If he was too self-absorbed to see it then, he will be too self-absorbed to see it now.  But...to be honest, after 3 1/2 years of the divorce being final, I have come to the place where I don't care if he realizes it.  Still....at times, I am held captive to the emotion of our undoing.  Sometimes little chickadee or junior will say something that comes straight out of his mouth....or use the same catch phrases...or have the same mannerisms...and the fingernails start grating down the chalkboard.  Breathe Becky....breathe....  Oh and Lord forbid The Man say something that reminds me of the X - I can go from zero to Betty B...B...B...B.... in 0.6 seconds.  But that is now....and my friend is where I was then....in that spot where you just want to fast forward past all the formalities and get on with your life....but you are forced to interact and work together...and it Just-Feels-Like kaka. 

So what to do when you are in the thick of it???  Just smile....and remember.....that there is a reason we call them Xs.....


Emily Suess said...

Amen! I couldn't be happier that my own ex is an ex. (It's been about 3 1/2 years for me too).

Jon said...

Ah, I needed to read this post! I'm nearly fourth months into the divorce proceeding with little to no progress to show. I can't use the term EX yet and have to resort to estranged instead.

I long for the days when this is all behind me, and I can move on completely.

Becky P said...

I remember those days, Jon....the days spent in Limbo Prison....argh..it was not fun! It took me WAY longer than I wanted to admit to get over the whole "failure" thing... THE best thing I did for myself was:

(1) cut myself some slack...it's Divorce and there is no picture-perfect textbook way to get through it...it's just ugly sometimes.

(2) Give myself time to grieve and then actually USE it. It is so easy to pretend that nothing is wrong...to shove it all in the back corner of the closet...but seriously...grieve

(3) reconnect with friends (especially the same-sex kind).

(4) Begin to build the life I always wanted. Be proactive!

AND (5) work on ME. Everytime I fell for his evil plot to become a raving maniac so he could look at me and smirk and say, "see this is why we can't be married," and I would spiral between self pity and self judgment. Once I worked on me and came face to face with my faults, he lost all power over me.

As my horse trainer used to say, "Just whistle, grin, and ride." Good luck!