Monday, June 7, 2010

Do I Look Chubby???

So last night, The Man and I had a conversation that went like this:

Becky: “I just saw a photo tagged of me on Facebook - I think that outfit made me look chubby…..why didn’t you tell me it made me look chubby??”
V: “I couldn’t tell you that”
Becky: “Well… you think I am chubby?”
V: “Do you think you look chubby?”
Becky: “I want to know if you think I’m chubby.”
V: “Of course not - but the question is whether or not you are happy with yourself”
Becky: “Is that code for saying I look chubby without having to tell me?”
V: laughs “No….it’s not code….can we change the subject?”
Becky: “But I want to know…… Would you tell me if I was?”
V: “Babe, this is a no-win for me…..there is no way I would tell you that….I think you look fine.”
Becky: “But you just said that you wouldn’t tell me so how do I know you aren’t lying to me right now?”
V: “Okay, I won’t lie to you - I think you look good.”
Becky: “So would you tell me I look good if I didn’t?”
V: “No, I wouldn’t……hey….let’s watch an episode of The Closer.”

Did I really want my man to tell me that I looked chubby??? Hell-to-the-no!!! I felt a little insecure after seeing the photo and wanted some assurance that I was still attractive to him. The difficult part is that I want authentic assurance… know that what he is saying to me is indeed true…..a difficult thing in his perspective because we all know that there is only one truly acceptable answer…..yes…..or change the subject.

I know that I’m not in the shape I was in when we first met. After my partial hysterectomy, I gained a considerable amount of weight (now pushing 20 lbs). (Don’t you love it that I can blame it on the surgery…..and not my love for food and recalcitrance to exercise). When I stepped on the scale this morning, I let out a gasp 150!!!!!! OMG!!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!! Just last week I was hating 144….and the kicker is that I WAS GOOD!!! This is week four into my re-initiation to running and I feel strong. I have cut WAY down on simple carbs and have been watching my portions. I have even cut back (somewhat) on the consumption of calorie-laden alcoholic drinks. What gives????? I am back to the weight I was in 2004 when I discovered the X’s affair. He always told me I was sexy and beautiful…..and then slept with my friend who could be a Victoria Secret model…..tall…..thin…..beautiful…..grrrrrrr…..

As I laced up my Rykas to go on my run, I felt strong. I reminded myself to not grow weary in doing what is right because in due time I will be rewarded. I rededicated myself to continue with my good habits and not fall off the wagon into fields of chocolate ice cream. The Man is right…’s all about whether or no I want to make a change….not whether or not he thinks I should make a change. I just need to be consistent….I did not gain the weight in a month, (as a matter of fact, I coasted at the same ideal weight for about six months before it started creeping up) so I will not lose it in a month. *sigh* I am so impatient.

But for me….for now….I’ve gotta just keep on truckin!


Josh said...

Congrats on making it this far before your hormones took over! You were one of the lucky ones.

I've tried to educate all men on your question. The scenario you described has played out a million times in a million couples. What would you think if instead of V trying to give an answer, or dodge answering, he chose a third option? What if he simply comforted you, and tried to understand what you were feeling?

niccupp said...

Remember that it isn't the weight that is most important, it's how you feel about yourself. I've been using to keep me track of calories & other nutrients to lose weight. I started in October and I've lost 12 lbs. Not quite as exciting as the commercials that say you can lose 20 in 6 days, but I'm confident that what I've lost is permanent. And for the record - I don't think you look chubby!

Becky P said...

Nic you rock!! Good for you for making a change and thank you for the compliment! I agree that the weight isn't the most important thing....but....quite honestly I wasn't feeling that hot about myself (and hence the question from The Man about whether or not I felt as if I needed to make a change).

Josh - you are SO right in your quest to speak to men about this....but, quite honestly, it is one of those deer-in-the-headlights type of questions. And....for the record....V did comfort me and tried to understand what I was feeling. He always makes me feel beautiful!! But...just like the movies....some things just end up on the cutting room floor.....

Sorry for the delay in publishing your comments....I didn't realize they were waiting.... :)

Josh said...


I'm producing an audio CD (paid) and (free) Ebook on the subject, by the end of the year. Remember the outline we sketched out at Starbucks one day? That's the basis of the eBook, with the CD containing some serious in depth communication skills.

New chapter that we didn't have in the original outline, because I thought it was understood:

Chapter 1: Men, shut up.
Subchapter: No, really, stop talking completely.
Subchapter of that subchapter: Dude, seriously, shut the hell up and first listen to what she's really saying.

I'd incorrectly assumed that because I've evolved from the time I was a confrontational "know it all" in my 20's that my guy friends would have done the same. I figure, we've all grown up, right?

I've found that most men simply grow older, but remain little boys in their communication style. They might even get worse with age; practice makes PERMANENT; not perfect.

...and I'm spent.

Becky P said...

I think we *did* discuss that principle!! :) Really though, the point is and was that my self-worth doesn't need to hinge on another person. Conversely, if my self-worth is low, I can't seek to artificially pump it up through manipulation because, honestly, it is not authentic.

I agree with parts of your premise....but quite this type of scenario where a woman is seeking for a man to tell her what she wants to hear (even though she is guessing her intuition is correct) there is really no "win."

B: you think I am fat?
V: (not looking) of *course* not! I think you are sexy!
B: But you are just saying that. You didn't even look.

B: you think I am fat?
V: (looking at me) Of *course* not. You look amazing.
B: But you had to I look fat sometimes??

B: you think I am fat?
V: I think you are wonderful just as you are - sexy and beautiful!
B: you think I am fat?

Seriously, if a woman has it in her head that she is not measuring up the only one to convince otherwise is herself....either by changing the message in her head or by making changes in her life. Now that is NOT to excuse neanderthal behavior! But if a guy simply shuts up in a conversation, I am assuming that he is disconnecting from me emotionally and the situation turns even more emotional.