Saturday, December 13, 2008

Blogging Reality

When I first started my blog a couple of weeks ago, it was to give an honest look at my struggles and achievements in being a divorced woman. Although I do journal sporadically and send detailed emails to friends, I have not committed myself to such a public display of my life - ever. Typically, historically, I have been a VERY private person - VERY!!! The last few years, I have been on a journey to becoming more transparent, to let more people “in” my life, to allow others to help… not have to look like I have it “all together.” The results are not always good - but I am so very glad that my feet are on that path!!! In the spirit of this journey…….I give you my Saturday morning…..

(It’s all I can do not to chicken out!!!)

(Seriously!!!) (Breathe…Becky….just Breathe…)

This morning, I stand in what I have now affectionately called my goldfish bowl - the travel kiosk. I call it that not because there is anything wrong with it, but because it is a somewhat circular area around the bottom of the escalators at the mall. It is surrounded by Tiffany’s, Burberry, Aveda, and Gap. The kiosk is tastefully done, but at times, I feel as if I am swimming around my space beckoning people to come a little closer. Oftentimes, they just peer in and I feel a bit on display there in the middle of the mall - hence the goldfish bowl.

The day has been good - I talked about travel and sent a few leads to the travel agency office. I am only there for a short while as I traded hours with another girl to go to a Christmas party tonight. I am standing behind the desk, smiling, watching the shoppers come and go with their bright and shiny bags - my morning is half over and life is good. Suddenly, I look up and coming down the hall hand-in-hand right towards me are the woman my X had an affair with and her husband. They hadn’t noticed me. Immediately (with the quickness of a ninja) I look down, grab my phone and text the first person I can think of - just so I don’t have to face the coming awkwardness…. I felt awkward and self-conscious !! Here I am in the goldfish bowl with nowhere to hide (and looking less than fabulous to boot - I was saving my fabulous looking preparations for the party)…. My heart started pounding and my hands started to shake.

I looked up and they were gone. I am fine……no big deal…..where did they go?? Did they see me?? Did they notice I looked…well…mousy?? I sent a text to my fabulous girlfriends - an SOS of sorts.

Why was this bothering me?? It has almost been 4 years since the discovery - I had forgiven her…..she and I spent hours at her house making our peace….and I meant it. I truly wish her well and she owes me nothing. We were friends once… and I thought that this was all behind me… my were my palms sweating?? Why did I feel as if I could run that half marathon - today….in the mall….in tall black boots????

I see them again at the second floor…..discreetly going around my kiosk (which I appreciated)……why in the world did I look up at that moment? She looked good - well, she ALWAYS looked good. She was wearing a cute coat (of course, only I would notice that….). My eyes welled up with tears - wow - I hadn’t expected that. They walked into a store (the store I was getting ready to visit in 10 minutes when my shift was over)…..and I started watching the clock….WILLING it to move faster - PLEASE move faster - maybe I could plug it into my energy….then it would be moving like an electric meter hand. I was so ready to leave the mall that when the moment came, I practically ran to my car. I open the door and sit for a moment. I see texts and missed calls from my friends and realized that I had survived yet another painful experience.

I have no grand lesson in this experience, but I DO have a greater appreciation for my friends who checked in with me to make sure I was okay. Had I not been transparent with them today and in the past, I would not have felt the love and care from them today.

So - Divorced Diva’s Guide to Survival Rule 1 - Let your friends love you - if you don’t have many friends - find some. Make new friends and keep the old - one is silver and the other gold……

1 comment:

steph said...

my palms starting sweating just reading this! you survived and i bet you didn't look so mousy after all! :)