GlitterBall!!

The Man gave me a big basket of goodies for Valentine’s Day. I do so love presents and his basket containing individually wrapped chocolates, bookmarks, tiny books, bubbles, picture frames and a Ray LaMontagne CD filled my love tank to overflowing.

My favorite gift was a simple bouncy ball. As I unwrapped the ball, pink glitter caught my eye (I do so love shiny things). This man knows the way to my heart…..chocolate, music, and all things sparkly!! The Man held the ball and instructed me that this was no ordinary, shiny, glitter-filled bouncy ball with a heart in the center--it had meaning to it. He bounced it against my floor really hard, caught it and held it up for me to see. He said:

See the glitter swirling around the ball? You can’t see the heart can you? This is like my heart. Sometimes things get a little crazy and you can’t see my heart….BUT….if you wait a few minutes, you’ll start to see the outline and then the shape of my heart. Once things settle down, you’ll be able to fully see it again. This is a reminder that when those times come, all you need to do is wait…..just a bit…..and you will see…..my heart.

Isn’t that just how life is??

Sometimes, that is the hardest part for me…..the waiting….the settling….the knowing that if I can just wait a few minutes (or hours or days) more, the raw emotion wears off and the truth of the matter can be seen. I am a woman of action - - I want to fix things - to reveal things - to understand things - - to just flippin’ DO something to make it all better!! Time and time again, I have to learn the lesson of allowing things to “settle.” Sometimes I learn by success…….but sometimes I learn through failure. When I act upon that raw emotion, I am running into a situation blindly - - blinded by my fears….by my emotion. Raw emotion fuels my actions like dried leaves on a campfire…..making a big fiery show….but no real substantive contribution.

My horse trainers, Bill and Linda Black in Spiceland, IN imparted to me a principle of moving cattle ahorseback--let the herd settle and see what happens. When you try to move cows when things are charged with energy, the heard scatters and you lose control of the situation. Conversely, when you let the herd settle for a bit, you can influence the direction in which they move. Simple principle…..but yet so hard to do for an impatient woman who craves instantaneous results.

Every time I pass by my glittery bouncy ball, I throw it on the floor, catch it, and watch the beautiful glitter engulf the inside of the ball…..and then reveal the heart…..my man’s heart…..and I feel loved.

Review of Crime and Punishment

Crime and Punishment. Quite a provocative play to watch on Valentine’s Day - full of pride…..angst…..regret…..and shame. Dostoevsky’s novel set in St. Petersburg in the late 1800’s amidst a scorching summer reminds me of the Langston Hughes Poem, Dream Deferred - What happens to a dream deferred??…..Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?....Does it fester like a sore…then run??

The scene opened with the spotlight creating an intense gaze from the portrait on the wall…..looking down on Raskoinikov prostrate on the floor. He is in white rags…..spent….hopeless…angry. A man flings the door open and demands, “Do you believe in God….Do you believe in Lazarus rising from the grave??” Raskoinikov retorts, “Does it even matter?”

From that moment, we were funneled into the story of a young man who believed certain individuals had a right to commit lawless acts if the greater good was served…..yet wallowing in anguish for the crimes he committed. That duality of mind and spirit…..of truth and Truth……of believing God was in control and of believing man was in control propelled the story deeper and deeper until the emotions….the questions….the choosing between the “greater good” and an individual’s rights came to a head…..found a balance of sorts….or at least a balance of neither “side” being perfect. At the end, all I could do was look at my date and say, “Wow.”

This was the first time I had seen a play at the cozy Upperstage Theater. Walking in, I was momentarily taken aback with how close we were to the stage - the theater seating surrounded the stage on three sides. It was small….cozy….much like a community theater in size. However, once the play started, it was apparent that this was the same caliber as the productions on the main stage - with great detail taken with the movement, lighting and sounds in the production.

The production of Crime and Punishment was a bit “different” as there were only three actors in this complex story. The Director, John Green, created an engaging story with pauses in the character movements, onstage costume modifications, and props to reflect changes in characters. Most notable were the character changes of Jennie McKnight as Sonia, a young woman forced into prostitution by poverty; Alyona an unscrupulous pawn broker who preys on the poor conditions of others; and Lizaveta, the sweet and kind sister of Alyona who is oppressed under her sister’s unreasonable commands. The changes were seamless…..and quite believable. Never once did I think of her as the “other” character.

The play ended as it began, with Raskoinikov prostrate on the floor….being asked, “Do you believe in God…Do you believe in Lazarus who rose from the grave.” To which he replies, “Does it matter?” Sonia’s reply still gives me pause…..”It might.”

As I sat in the chair next to my Valentine date, I was suddenly glad he read the book in college and understood the inner and outer struggles of the characters…and that he didn’t think I was crazy to bring him to see Crime and Punishment on a day full of flowers and promises…..but then again…..I am a complex being…..and was being true to form…

Surviving Valentine's Day

As I sit here at Hubbard and Cravens, drinking my earl grey tea, my mind goes back a few days contemplating the Valentine weekend… I had an amazing weekend full of friends, laughter, companionship and even a date…..yes, that is right….the girl who puts all into the friend box actually had a double date for Valentine’s Day. But of course, that is the subject of another blog……I am working on being transparent……but some things need to stay in my head for a while….

My thoughts for the past couple of days have gone to What Happened to Valentine’s Day?????

When I was a child, Valentine’s Day was one of my favorite holidays….. We spent a whole week in preparation - making “mailboxes” out of paper sacks, shoeboxes, envelopes and decorating them with hearts, glitter, cut-outs……it was just a beautiful holiday…..full of pink and red….lace…..candy…..love…..it was the highlight of the year. Before the class party, we would make the annual trek to Walmart to choose our Valentine cards and convince our parents that we truly needed candy to go inside them. Each card was addressed to my classmates with the selections thought out carefully. I loved getting all of the valentine cards and would sit for hours looking through them and of course sorting and eating the candy. My Valentines box/bag/envelope would become a treasure for the next month reminding me that I was liked…loved…..special.

Somehow as an adult, Valentine’s Day turned into a day full of pressure - of knowing in the back of my mind that I was somehow going to be disappointed….the expectation of having a dream deferred…a hope quashed. I know there are others who feel the same way. Why is that?? How did a holiday full of “community” - of parties, giving encouragement to friends, and of course, presents - turn into a day of isolation for a single girl (and even a married girl)?? Where did the shift begin?

Ghandi says to become the change in the world that you want to see…….so that is my goal - to take back those dates in my mind - - those dates on the calendar that loom over me like an anvil…..the dates haunt my soul and cajole me to eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies with a nice Cabernet.

Last year on Valentine’s Day, I called a guy friend to see if he would like to accompany me at the local Art Walk. We had a great time discussing art, drinking complimentary wine and eating fine chocolate. It was a great evening……and for the first time, I realized that I could take back the significant dates in my life and make them my own. I realized that I didn’t have to wait for someone else to plan, organize, or even generally make me feel special - - I could orchestrate my own happiness….and you know what - it worked. Two weeks later, I threw my own birthday bash…..it was a wonderful feeling….

So - I am taking back Valentines Day, my birthday, Easter, Mother’s Day, the Indy 500, the 4th of July, my old anniversary, my children’s birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. From this day on……these days will be filled with community, fun, food, laughter, and smiling caring faces…. The dates will no longer loom over me….reminding me of what “once was…” instead, I will create new memories to cherish and to add to the old memories.

As far as the date goes…..stay tuned……all is beautiful…..I feel special…..and for once in a very, very long time….I dare to hope and dream….