How I Know My Heart!

My first wedding anniversary with The Man is tomorrow.  It’s hard to believe that it has been twelve months since we stood hand-in-hand amongst flowers and friends sharing our hearts and committing ourselves to each other.  Looking back, I see a perfect day—one that expressed our hearts completely.  We had no traditions for the sake of traditions – no hiding behind ceremony and pomp…..it was The Man and Me proclaiming our vows in a very vulnerable and dynamic way…with moments that twelve months from now I am still savoring! 

It was a long journey getting from broken heart to fullness of life—it wasn’t easy!  I spent many a night with a box of Tagalongs, a bottle of wine, and Under the Tuscan Sun.  The Man pursued me with 80’s music I had never heard of, quotes from G. K. Chesterson, and through his love of cooking.  We danced and we sang (actually he sang) and we debated everything from the Easter Bunny to music to whether or not dill should go in his Serbian salad.  Our hearts intertwined through mutual respect and joy. 

How easy it would have been to miss each other……

I have written many times about the importance of a List—you know, a thoughtful list of the type of person you would like to share your life with.  Dating is one big job interview---seriously….you are looking at the person, their interactions, personality and character traits to see if you are a good match.  If you can’t describe in detail the person you want to be with, how will you know if you find them??  We like to think that there is a big “aha” moment when we meet the “one.”  The truth is, sometimes our own dysfunction gets in the way of reality. 

Consider this:  when one gets divorced, ideally, she will take time to look inside herself and grow and change to be a healthier person.  Many people take years to unpack their issues – either on their own or in counseling to move to a better place in their lives.  They begin to see the differences inside themselves and start considering a serious relationship.  Sticking Point:  if you choose the wrong person, you don’t have a chance to take off the training wheels and use the lessons you have learned to have a healthy relationship-----you go right back into CrazyVille and that train ain’t stoppin for nobody.  It is easier to find the wrong person than the right person…….time always tells……and the wrong person can make anyone crazy!!!!

So back to my list and my butterflies…..  Here is my list and here is the proof that I am a very, very lucky girl!!! 

Passionate about God – this fits Veso to a tee……he eschews “religion” for the real deal----and lives his life as a person compassionate to others, giving and generous and seeks Truth.  This is something I appreciate so much about him!!

Passionate about a cause.  What I am learning is that it doesn’t have to be MY cause that he is passionate about – this one actually made me smile tonight. 

Nice Dresser – seriously, it may seem shallow, but I want to be able to look across the room and think, “dang, my man looks awesome!!!.”  

Has close friends - this is a must for me!

Attentive – This may be my favorite thing about him!!!!

Hangs back a bit….a watcher – After being with someone for many years who resented anyone who stole the limelight from him, I wanted to be able to shine on my own at times and not be resented for it.  This was essential for my heart!  I needed a man who measured his words and let others speak and who was perceptive of those around him.  V is so secure in who he is that he doesn't have to prove his worth by dominating conversations....he is generous in his listening to others.  He wants to get to know people on a real level and get beyond the surface.  

Sweet – Check!

Wants to grow – How refreshing it is to be with a person who is ever improving and ever learning.  It inspires me to do the same!!!!

Athletic – OMG – check!! I adore his soccer-man bootie!!!  J

Makes things happen – check!

Close to his family – quite honestly, this was so, so, so important to me.  I love my family and I could never be with someone who was ambivalent towards theirs.  V is a good son, a good brother and a very good dad.  I adore this about him!

Engages with other people – For a long time, I watched The Man on the soccer field—observing how he interacted with others and how they reacted to him.  He truly engages with other people, encourages them, asks them about their lives and laughs…..I love his laugh!!! 

Entreprenurial, Professional – check!

Likes Art, Music, Food, and Travel – Blessed am I that he is passionate about all these things!!!!!! 

Has a list of things he wants to accomplish – check…..not a written out list, but he has a loose plan for sure!

Positive outlook – Very much so!!

Reads – He is a true truth seeker and is constantly reading and learning.

Likes to Dance – Hooray!!!!!!!!!!  He is an 80’s dancing machine!!!!

Spontaneous – Way more than me for sure!!!

How lucky am I to have found someone who completely fits the bill!!  It doesn’t matter how “nice” they are or how “cute” they are or how many butterflies they put in our insides….. they have to be right for you.  My list is not your list….my priorities are not your priorities….. what matters is being focused on the type of partner you need in life and becoming a good partner yourself.

I feel quite blessed that The Man and I crossed each other’s paths and that we stopped long enough to realize that we were indeed a good fit……. Had we not paid attention, we would have missed it.  He is the love of my life….a partner in the truest sense.  He sees me----really “Sees” me and gives me the confidence to be even More “Me.”

Love you, Babe!  Happy Anniversary! 

Do I Look Chubby???

So last night, The Man and I had a conversation that went like this:

Becky: “I just saw a photo tagged of me on Facebook - I think that outfit made me look chubby…..why didn’t you tell me it made me look chubby??”
V: “I couldn’t tell you that”
Becky: “Well…..do you think I am chubby?”
V: “Do you think you look chubby?”
Becky: “I want to know if you think I’m chubby.”
V: “Of course not - but the question is whether or not you are happy with yourself”
Becky: “Is that code for saying I look chubby without having to tell me?”
V: laughs “No….it’s not code….can we change the subject?”
Becky: “But I want to know…… Would you tell me if I was?”
V: “Babe, this is a no-win for me…..there is no way I would tell you that….I think you look fine.”
Becky: “But you just said that you wouldn’t tell me so how do I know you aren’t lying to me right now?”
V: “Okay, I won’t lie to you - I think you look good.”
Becky: “So would you tell me I look good if I didn’t?”
V: “No, I wouldn’t……hey….let’s watch an episode of The Closer.”

Did I really want my man to tell me that I looked chubby??? Hell-to-the-no!!! I felt a little insecure after seeing the photo and wanted some assurance that I was still attractive to him. The difficult part is that I want authentic assurance…..to know that what he is saying to me is indeed true…..a difficult thing in his perspective because we all know that there is only one truly acceptable answer…..yes…..or change the subject.

I know that I’m not in the shape I was in when we first met. After my partial hysterectomy, I gained a considerable amount of weight (now pushing 20 lbs). (Don’t you love it that I can blame it on the surgery…..and not my love for food and recalcitrance to exercise). When I stepped on the scale this morning, I let out a gasp 150!!!!!! OMG!!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!! Just last week I was hating 144….and the kicker is that I WAS GOOD!!! This is week four into my re-initiation to running and I feel strong. I have cut WAY down on simple carbs and have been watching my portions. I have even cut back (somewhat) on the consumption of calorie-laden alcoholic drinks. What gives????? I am back to the weight I was in 2004 when I discovered the X’s affair. He always told me I was sexy and beautiful…..and then slept with my friend who could be a Victoria Secret model…..tall…..thin…..beautiful…..grrrrrrr…..

As I laced up my Rykas to go on my run, I felt strong. I reminded myself to not grow weary in doing what is right because in due time I will be rewarded. I rededicated myself to continue with my good habits and not fall off the wagon into fields of chocolate ice cream. The Man is right…..it’s all about whether or no I want to make a change….not whether or not he thinks I should make a change. I just need to be consistent….I did not gain the weight in a month, (as a matter of fact, I coasted at the same ideal weight for about six months before it started creeping up) so I will not lose it in a month. *sigh* I am so impatient.

But for me….for now….I’ve gotta just keep on truckin!

Paintbrushes and Vision Boards

One thing that kept me sane during my divorce was the promise of an opportunity to paint my life the way I wanted it……to use bright colors and hues……to be bold and creative…to create a living masterpiece. I have a coffee can full of paintbrushes…small and large…heavy and light…to paint my life. Lately though, the thought of my life portrait has been making me a little……well….crazy!!!! I can do anything I want, be anyone I want to be…..my kids are grown and out of the house so I have the time to pursue the things I love...wine…. cheese…. art…. chocolate…..good books…. outings with friends….so what gives??

The question that looms in my mind is, “what if the picture I paint doesn’t turn out just right…what if I draw it wrong, use the wrong colors?” “What if what I think I want right now isn’t what I want.” “Do I even know what I want??” I feel like a 6 year-old saying I want to be a princess when I grow up….I want to live in a mansion on the beach with horses and a shiny new bike…..I want to ride elephants in India and dive for pearls in Tahiti…..and be a professional ice skater. For a girl who was raised to be decisive, my life right now is anything but.

Part of the issue is The Man and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. I can’t dodge the, “is it serious?” question anymore because….well….it is serious. I kindof like him and could see him around when I am 80 and chasing monkeys off my back porch in Thailand. Our relationship has brought back the feelings of being rooted and settled….of hanging out on the deck at night instead of having a glass of wine at a bar….of kids and family and household chores….but that question of how I am going to paint my life looms in the background….I have to share my painting….am I okay with that?? What if we hate each other in 10 years?? What if we love each other in 10 years and are stuck in a rut?? What if….what if….what if?? It’s maddening!!!!!

This morning, I went back to my vision board to see what I envisioned for 2010. Every January, my girlfriends and I create a poster-board of our vision for our lives in the coming year. We hang out, cut pictures out of magazines, talk, share, and create our vision for the year. Some ladies keep all of their boards, but I throw the previous one away to keep the focus on the current year.

Looking at my vision board, I see lots of words:

Reimagine Yourselves as Weekend Connoisseurs**Have Cheese, Will Picnic**Living the Unexpected Challenge Yourself **May the life within you be strong**LIVE!**12 Months of Good Health
Acts of Friendship**Savor**Dance**Difference**A killer Pair of Heels**SOUL

and lots of images:

Pancakes, outdoor dining, beach chairs, terracotta pots, fruits and vegetables, picnic baskets, journal writing, farmers’ markets, friends having coffee, margaritas, canned tomatoes, a rolling pin, books, serene backyard scenes

When I look at my vision board for 2010, I was surprised. I am not waiting to paint my life….deciding what it should look like…..it’s already here….already complete….the masterpiece of my heart. The life I really want is now and I am already living it. I look at my vision board and breathe. It’s not about the big master plan it’s about living each moment as I want to….adding beauty and sparkle to the every day. I don’t have to choose…..I just have to live….to be myself…and savor the moments that make ordinary life special.

Mutual Accountability

One would think I’d be happy….. After all, I am home an hour early from class…..have more time to get my work “to do’s” done, study, and get ready for my outing this evening with The Man. One would think……

The problem is, however, that I am quite unhappy about it. Of all the classes I took this semester, this was the one I was most excited about….the one that grabbed me and said, “oh you must take this class.” It was love at first course-catalog sight. This class had the potential of being a perfect match…a soul mate of sorts….. We’d read works such as Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Hemmingway, Kafka, and O’Connor while discussing threads of sin and redemption. I dreamed of passionate discussions, new insights, and connecting with others through sharing of opinions. Reality hits…….no one is reading the books. When I say no one, I mean maybe five people out of 25 are actually capable of opening a book and reading it. It’s like reading someone’s Match.com profile, thinking you’d have a great connection, and then realizing in the first 5 minutes that you have been duped. Yes, he said he loved art and fine food, but he failed to mention that to him that meant comic books and Bravo Italian Kitchen.

I did a lot of thinking on my drive home….mostly thinking of how this applies to life and to relationships. This class with all its potential is now my most dreaded class. It’s not because I have a bad professor….he actually has great insights and a great knowledge of literature. I dread this class because it seems pointless……pointless because no one really engages. Most people are checked out……or checked in….to facebook….to email…..to their doodles on paper. There is no interaction….we just co-exist in a classroom for 3 hours a week. Hmmmmmm……sounds a lot like my marriage.

When two people don’t engage with each other, it feels lonely…..it feels empty…..it feels like one big, fat rejection. I cannot say how many people I speak to who are lonely in their marriages. Yes, they have tried counseling…..yes, they have tried date nights…..yes, they have tried more sex…..but the problem is that they are not engaging with one another. I remember asking the X early in our separation if he wanted a divorce. The X said “no,” he wasn’t ready for divorce. The problem was, however, that although he was not for divorce, he really wasn’t for marriage either….he was ambivalent....just biding his time. I wonder how many people are out there who are in a relationship who aren’t ready to leave, but are simply co-existing until something happens……either they get too old to care or until the other person gets sick of it and leaves first. **NEWS FLASH** If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten. If you refuse to engage and invest in the relationship, you will not get returns….things will not get better….things will not change…..ever. If this is you, why not figure out how to truly and heartfully reconnect with your spouse….no strings attached….record of wrongs thrown out the door…..giving life together an honest try. There are a lot of people who say they “try” to make things better with their spouses….but I am sorry, just like the fellow students in my fiction class, showing up does not equal an effort. The fact that your body warms a bed in your home does not equate a try.

It really twerps me off knowing that I busted my fanny to read the material due for class and look around and see that the majority of others could care less. This is not a required class - it’s an elective….so if you aren’t going to do the work, why waste our time?

Some would say they are only hurting themselves and that I should just feel proud that I am doing the work. The problem is that their ambivalence hurts the whole class. We cannot have class discussions of any sort…..they disrupt the class with their own goings on…..or simply try at any point to get completely off topic so they can talk. During counseling, my X didn’t do the assigned work, was not willing to look inside himself and his family life to discover the junk he brought to the table and was, quite frankly, ambivalent about our marriage. His lack of engagement spoke volumes about his true priorities and feelings….and it hurt….a lot. Eventually, I quit counseling….what was the point? There was no mutual accountability….no iron sharpening iron…..no growing together….we did what we always did……and grew……apart.

In Crime and Punishment, Razumikhin describes Raskolnikov, “He’s magnanimous and kind. He doesn’t like expressing his feelings and would rather perpetrate some cruelty than express in words what’s in his heart…sometimes he’s terribly uncommunicative! No time for anybody, everything’s in his way, while actually he’s just lying around, not doing a thing. No jokes, and that’s not because he lacks wit, but as though he had no time for such trifles.” To me, this is the picture of a person withdrawn from a relationship….someone who would rather be petty than explain what is on her heart…someone who clams up, gets frustrated with everyone wasting her time, and losing her sense of humor….someone who is not real anymore….she is just existing.

In relationships, we are mutually accountable - - we are accountable to be real with each other….living and sharing real lives….even if it is messy for a while. We owe it to those around us.

So…..lesson and reminder to myself…..engage…..do not withdraw. When life gets a little (or a lot) messy, resist the urge to withdraw and keep my distance. When life gets busy, engage in the present moment not on my “To Do” list. My self-protective tendency is to hide my heart away…..to not let myself hope for good things when it’s risky…..to lie to myself and say that “I just don’t care.” When I refuse to engage, I am not just hurting myself, I am hurting those people who are investing in a relationship with me.

GlitterBall!!

The Man gave me a big basket of goodies for Valentine’s Day. I do so love presents and his basket containing individually wrapped chocolates, bookmarks, tiny books, bubbles, picture frames and a Ray LaMontagne CD filled my love tank to overflowing.

My favorite gift was a simple bouncy ball. As I unwrapped the ball, pink glitter caught my eye (I do so love shiny things). This man knows the way to my heart…..chocolate, music, and all things sparkly!! The Man held the ball and instructed me that this was no ordinary, shiny, glitter-filled bouncy ball with a heart in the center--it had meaning to it. He bounced it against my floor really hard, caught it and held it up for me to see. He said:

See the glitter swirling around the ball? You can’t see the heart can you? This is like my heart. Sometimes things get a little crazy and you can’t see my heart….BUT….if you wait a few minutes, you’ll start to see the outline and then the shape of my heart. Once things settle down, you’ll be able to fully see it again. This is a reminder that when those times come, all you need to do is wait…..just a bit…..and you will see…..my heart.

Isn’t that just how life is??

Sometimes, that is the hardest part for me…..the waiting….the settling….the knowing that if I can just wait a few minutes (or hours or days) more, the raw emotion wears off and the truth of the matter can be seen. I am a woman of action - - I want to fix things - to reveal things - to understand things - - to just flippin’ DO something to make it all better!! Time and time again, I have to learn the lesson of allowing things to “settle.” Sometimes I learn by success…….but sometimes I learn through failure. When I act upon that raw emotion, I am running into a situation blindly - - blinded by my fears….by my emotion. Raw emotion fuels my actions like dried leaves on a campfire…..making a big fiery show….but no real substantive contribution.

My horse trainers, Bill and Linda Black in Spiceland, IN imparted to me a principle of moving cattle ahorseback--let the herd settle and see what happens. When you try to move cows when things are charged with energy, the heard scatters and you lose control of the situation. Conversely, when you let the herd settle for a bit, you can influence the direction in which they move. Simple principle…..but yet so hard to do for an impatient woman who craves instantaneous results.

Every time I pass by my glittery bouncy ball, I throw it on the floor, catch it, and watch the beautiful glitter engulf the inside of the ball…..and then reveal the heart…..my man’s heart…..and I feel loved.

The Argument Hangover

I wake up slowly…….my head hurts…I ask my self, “what did I just do??” and groan while throwing the covers up over my head. “What did I say??” “What must he think of me??” Regret sets in…….lots and lots of regret. I check my text messages on my phone and review my words……those angry hurtful words…. What now?? I need caffeine….. and maybe even a trip to Tahiti.

My phone lights up……a text message from The Man with lots of x’s and o’s. He is so good to me….. but then again….he said hurtful things too….. how do I respond?? Do I wait……make him sweat it out….that way I can be a little less sorry…..because he will be more sorry.... I send a couple of x’s and o’s his way (but a few less than his)…. and try to find a way to get back to square one.

We talk our argument through…..make up…hug…and remind each other how much we care. Why is it then, while sitting on the couch next to him that I still feel ucky…..and empty? Things feel unresolved….weird…..awkward… Is it a red flag? Does it mean we aren’t meant for each other?? I get all introspective and examine the feelings in the depth of my heart. No - - it’s just the Argument Hangover.

Hangover?? From an argument?? Really?? Of course. Over the last few weeks, I have given much thought to those days following our heated arguments (yes, I know - it’s a shocker that The Man and I fight…..but you get two passionate and opinionated people in the same room….and sometimes….there are fireworks). There seems to consistently be a period of time after such debates that is just downright uncomfortable. I have labeled these times the Argument Hangover.

Sometimes I feel a fight coming on - - it’s somehow, “in the air.” We are both a little edgy….a baby bit defensive…..the wind changes a bit and I know that “it’s on!” Adrenaline flows through my veins quicker than a shot of moonshine…..my inhibitions are lowered…..as I suddenly feel the need to slam a door……to bang around pots and pans….to sigh and huff around. Words flow too freely….stories get exaggerated….I start forgetting what I just said and begin to incessantly repeat myself. Am I drunk?? No…… at least not on alcohol…..but drunk on my emotions….my feelings….my need to be “right.” And then……afterwards…..regret sets in. Thoughts of, “I know better…” and “I’m too old for this…” permeate my brain…… my head hurts from all the tears I cried and I’m ready to jump on Orbitz and book my one way ticket to Mexico.

I put my head on The Man’s shoulder and he asks me if there is anything I still want to talk about. I shake my head and sigh…..”no, not really.” He asks, “is it just the argument hangover?” I nod my head…..he puts his arms around me…kisses my cheek and we snuggle on the couch and let the ickiness pass…..and I know that eventually, everything will be okay.

Match Game

It took me almost two weeks on Match to finally decide to come out of my shell...my nice, comfy, protective shell…..and actually meet a Match “prospect” in person. This process is much like the game we play as kids…..you know, the one where you put all the cards face down on the floor and turn over two at a time to find a match. It’s time consuming….it’s frustrating…..but when you find something that looks like a match, you go for coffee. I should have bought shares in Starbucks, Inc.!!!!

Date Number 1

I was a bit nervous….heck I was a LOT nervous!!! The Rebound Guy was the first guy I dated after the divorce…..AND…..before him, I had only gone out on two first dates. I strategized with my girlfriends (who were so excited that I expected to see them incognito at strategic places in Starbucks). Googling first date “rules” seemed to help a bit…what to do if I arrived first (wait to order a drink..) (does Starbucks add liquid courage to their coffee???)….. how long to stay..(be aware of the time--don’t over-linger) what to wear…(nice sweater and a dark pair of jeans…scarf)… whew!!!

DateMan 1 was there waiting for me when I walked in. A moment of fear gripped me! What now?? How do I greet someone I have never met…never talked to on the phone …who is not a business contact but a “date” of sorts?? Pulling myself together, I walked up to him and decided to “wing it.” He smiled and mentioned something about this moment always being awkward gave me a hug and bought me a Grande Earl Grey Tea.

We sat down in front of the fire and the conversation flowed easily. After an hour or so, it was time to leave. He walked me to my car and said what a great time he had. He asked me if we could go on an “official” date and I said “Yes!” Later that afternoon, he texted me a couple of times……the next day he texted me…..and then…….then…. then…. nothing! What the heck?? Okay….maybe he read the “Rules” and was waiting for the opportune moment…..waiting that three day grace period so he didn’t seem too interested…..so….I waited….and waited…and waited…..calling my girlfriends…my guyfriends….the telephone operator….the founder of Match.com….the mailman…. wondering what is the procedure from here on out??

Finally after 5 days, I decided that any guy who was EVER going to date me might as well get used to me being…well…me. He might as well get used to the impulsive….complicated …and sometimes emotional being that I am…..so I broke every dating rule on the planet and emailed him with the following…..

     Dear DateMan1:

     I had a wonderful time on our date and feel like we had great conversation and a good connection. As you know, my dating experience has been pretty limited and the majority of experience I had was from the 80’s….. so….. in that spirit….. are you interested?? Check yes or no. If yes, then some contact would be helpful…. If no, I had a delightful time and wish you well on your search.  Becky

DateMan1 responded back with the following:

     Dear Becky:

     One of the hardest things to do in dating is choosing. You never know if the one you didn’t choose would end up being the right for you… We had a great connection and I enjoyed our time together. However, I have found a girl that I want to get to know better and I am not the type of guy who can date multiple girls at one time. If things don’t work out, maybe we can get together again… DateMan1

Back to the drawing board!!! Frustration sets in….. on to Date 2…3…4…5..6…

Interesting side note - - I saw DateMan1 on a date this fall.  He was waiting for his date to show and hitting on a girl in my group before the date’s arrival…. He mentioned that he really wasn’t “into” the girl he was waiting on…. But of course, after her arrival he was staring into his date’s eyes and sharing her food…. Suddenly, a year later sitting next to my wonderful, caring man, I felt lucky….so very, very, very lucky!!!

Adventures on Match.com

Last year, after the Rebound Guy and I called it quits, my girlfriends and I had dinner at this cute, quaint Italian restaurant in Broad Ripple. After we had all deconstructed every relationship under the sun, the girls suggested I create a profile on an online dating site….namely Match.com. Appalled, I announced….”I do not have trouble meeting men…” to which they responded…. “WHO?? Who have you met that is dateable??”

Still….I was not convinced…..not sure that an online dating site was for me….it just seemed so….so….mercenary!! The girls assured me that it wasn’t so….that online dating could be a positive thing…after all, one of the girls actually married her “Match.” Thanking them for their concern, I said I would look into it…..knowing that there was no way in Hades that I would ever do it……

After a lonely night on the couch with my other girls….a box of Tagalongs and a bottle of red wine…….I decided to stick my toe in the water and see what happens. I created a profile….not one of “come hither” or “looking for a life mate..” but one that was a little sassy….a little “I dare you to date me!” The photo I put up was not exactly the most flattering. It was of me waiting at the airport after a looooong flight from Paris….waiting….waiting….waiting…. (hmmm….maybe there is a little symbolism there)….
Looking back, I think I was more curious than anything of just what would happen….

Day 1
6am……I wake up….check my email….and holy holy cow!!! Emails--lots and lots of emails!!! This was completely unexpected…..and a little strange….I had created my profile at 11pm….do these people work??

5pm…checked again…more emails….great!! Not lonely anymore!! I have people to email with…..to talk to…..to be e-flirty with!! Life is good!! I have fan mail!! Yay!

Day 2

Return emails……check out my “winks” and wonder why some people wink and some people email….is there a difference?? Is one method better than the other?? I wish I had a Match.com guidebook as I am suddenly clueless as to the “rules” of the game.

Day 3

What??? They want my phone number??? Really??? Why?? I am not sure I’m comfortable with strangers being able to call and text at any time…. My phone is the most important part of my being…..it is with me 24/7/365…. No way Jose!!

Day 4

Getting some hate mail…..from those whom I initially responded to (I always thought anyone who takes time to email me should get some sort of response…but the emails grew insistent and a little bit cr-azy and I stopped responding).  Obviously on Match…. Response=Interest…. Holy cow!! This is sooo complicated!! I was just being nice….and encouraging…not playing games.

Day 5

Meet?? I am not ready to meet anyone…. I want to email them a bit first to see if we click.  Called my guyfriend wondering what the heck is up with this meet thing…. why are they so insistent??  They don't even know me.  He informed me that, “Becky…..it’s called Match.com because they want to meet somebody….it’s not called write.com or friends.com.” Somehow, I thought the time frame would move a bit....well....a bit slower.  Obviously…..I am much too guarded for this type of process….. Meeting a stranger I have emailed once or twice and who already wants to date me seems a bit……well….odd.

Day 6

Emails……avoiding phone conversations……avoiding meeting in person….. but...I like fan mail....it feels good to my wounded little heart...  Realized I can see who has checked out MY profile….. reconciling the list of viewers with the list of winks and emails…… asking myself….. why didn’t this one wink….or email……why didn’t that one like me?? Suddenly, I felt under a microscope……and finding myself irritated at people who judge the worthiness of a person based on a few arbitrary parameters (this coming from the woman who is looking for a man at least one inch taller than her X….)…..

Day 7

Sigh…..this is so very time consuming…..

Day 8

Friday night…..why are these people on Match?? Why aren’t they out meeting people?? Oh….wait…..why am I on Match and not out??  Added some better pictures… Thinking I should actually meet someone in person and resolving to do so…

Day 9

Fan Mail!!! Yippee!! I have found the one….well….the one I have decided to meet in person….for coffee….I have had hundreds of one-on-one networking meetings…so this should be no different……. Famous last words!!!

******To Be Continued*******

THe Rebound Guy

Last week I had a two hour lunch with a girlfriend - - oh how I LOVE two hour lunches….especially those that include a nice bottle of wine!! These girlfriend lunches are times to share our hearts….our experiences…our hopes for the future.


On this lunching occasion, the conversation gravitated towards relationships (I know…shocker….girls…lunch…wine….talk of boys)….specifically of rebound relationships.

The rebound relationship is just that…..a rebound relationship….that relationship you have when you are not quite ready and quite healthy enough to have a long-term relationship. It is not necessarily a negative experience…..and sometimes it is even important.

Rebound relationships can tell us that we are likeable just as we are….that we are important….good enough to care about….beautiful….wonderful. Some would say that we should find these things on our own without involving another person. While that may be true….it may not be reality.

My rebound relationship was somewhat unexpected. I can remember countless conversations with my girlfriends about whether or not we were actually “dating” or just friends. I had not planned on being in a relationship - - I had been married for a bazillion years and the prospect of dating scared the bejeezus out of me. Our relationship taught me a lot - - mostly that I could communicate with a member of the male species without breaking dishes…..hanging up the phone….or slamming doors. The relationship taught me that I could breathe….if only for a moment….and enjoy life. It taught me that I could be liked for myself and not have to apologize for who I am.

In the end, the relationship was not to be long term……our lives were going in two different directions. Although we were compatible and had lots of fun, our differing expectations of life eventually drove us apart.

I can remember being so brokenhearted….so distraught….so determined that this relationship could work. Stepping back, I see my determination was more about being able to hold ANY relationship together than holding THIS relationship together. See….I was desperate to show to myself (and to my ex, if I am completely honest) that I am capable of having a healthy, happy relationship. That was of the utmost importance to me. I was determined this was not going to be the cliché rebound relationship……. In the end, if my rebound guy wouldn’t have been firm with the terms of our break-up, I would have walked on nails….swallowed my pride….tried to become someone I am not….simply because I wanted to stay together. Holy Cow….that was just like being married to my X…..

It was so difficult…..I thought I was going to be alone forever. My girlfriends consoled me….my guy friends took me out…they would tell me things about myself that I could not see….I became even more determined that I was not dating material…..that I had no interest in a dating relationship (see last year’s posts)…… I had to take some time to figure out what I wanted in life….to see who I am….to learn to make myself happy (and quite honestly, learn what makes me happy).

So as the holidays are approaching, I see many relationships turning to survival mode - - oh my goodness….I have been there…..”just give it until after the holidays….” “but we have plans for Thanksgiving at my parents so we can’t break up now…” “but I will never find someone who will do those things for me….” “but,,,,He might propose…” and on and on and on and on. Girlfriend (and guyfriend) don’t loose sight of yourself……don’t loose sight of the fact that some relationships are simply ones of transition. If you find yourself holding on to something that just isn’t working……let go. Loosen your grip on the relationship…..allow it to float away….see what it is that your need in a relationship AND what you bring to a relationship. Don’t hold on to something because of fear…..as fear is the opposite of love.

It’s a scary thing……realizing that you are in a rebound relationship…..but don’t let your pride…or your fear keep you from happiness…..

To Punt or Not to Punt

Another week, another guest blog. I love reading the perspective of others! It keeps me encouraged on my own journey.....

This week, The Man steps in and gives his perspective. I am confident that after you read his post, you will instantly know why I love this man!!! He is so fabulous!!

For those reading on Facebook, remember to check out my official blog page at www.divorced-diva.blogspot.com Enjoy!!


Football is finally back. Monday’s workouts at the health club are
always more robust with the ESPN highlights adding a needed adrenalin rush to offset the usual Monday reluctance to get back into the swing of things. Time to warm up on the elliptical, watch precious footage of Jessica Simpson’s ex-boyfriend losing in their new gazillion dollar stadium (with a scoreboard costing more than the old stadium), and crack open the latest Sports Illustrated.

While considering how the makers of the mammoth Dallas scoreboard failed to do some basic math to determine how high it should be in order to be missed by a punt, I found a story of a high school coach who did some statistical analysis and determined that punting was a mistake.. not just sometimes, but always.. . His team has not punted in over 2 years, and they don’t plan on punting.. ever.. They don’t bother trying to return punts either.. In case you are wondering if this is an act of sheer lunacy, his team won the 5A State Championship.. in the glorious state of Arkansas, home of your friend and mine, the Divorced Diva (which seemed like my lightning bolt from the sky to finally write a guest blog in this space).

Here is an example of some analysis the coached used to make his decision:

"If Pulaski has a fourth-and-8 at its own 5-yard line, Kelley said his explosive offense likely will convert a first down at least 50 percent of the time. If it fails to convert, statistical data from the college level shows that an opponent acquiring the ball inside the 10-yard line scores a touchdown 90 percent of the time. If Pulaski punts away (i.e., a 40-yard punt with a 10-yard return) the other team will start with the ball on the 38-yard line and score a touchdown 77 percent of the time. The difference is only 13 percent."

So simply put, the risk/reward ratio favors not punting, even in this extreme example.

Now, before the objectors storm the gates.. Yes, this team has an explosive offense.. Yes, it’s high school and the punters are not that great.. and yes, there are exceptions to this ‘rule’.. Having said that, the question still remains.. why is punting the ‘rule’ and ‘going for it’ the exception in today’s game, and not the other way around? Even using the most strict statistical analysis, the bottom line is that at every level of football, coaches and teams do not ‘go for it’ as often as they should.

The answer.. according to the article.. briefly put is ‘saving face’. A coach doesn’t want to have to face an administration having risked it on a fourth down and failing.. So instead of choosing an opportunity for victory, the coach and the team may fall short of their potential at best, or die a sure and slow death at worst..

Hmmm..

Do any life applications come to mind when hearing this? If ‘going for it’ on 4th down can be likened to winning the game of life and relationships by having love, intimacy (knowing and being known), truth, trust, openness, vulnerability, understanding, etc.. and punting were likened to ‘throwing in the towel’ and temporarily or permanently giving up on those things, what does it mean to go for it, even on 4th down? When do we play it safe and punt, hoping to not lose ground, instead of going for it, to actually win the game?

Every Sunday on ‘my weekends’, I drop off my boys after spending 5 days with them. Every time, it’s hard, and I usually cry. If and when I talk to my girlfriend around that period.. I usually mention it.. I don’t know if it’s a flaw, and I am surely not trying to impress her, but I know it’s sharing a very real piece of how I am feeling, in real time. For all I know, it may be getting on her nerves by now, so it’s risky.. It would be much safer to not even bring it up, and there was a time I wouldn’t have done so. For you, it may not even be equivalent to a 4th down. For me, it’s like 4th and 10 at my own 30 yard line.. a risk.. And I’m still not sure it will get me the first down.

After months of dating, there comes the inevitable argument(s)(some of you out there only have 1 per relationship, so please bear with us who don’t get it yet!). She feels bad, really bad for her stuff, and her part, and is sorry and says so.. and there are walls between us.. I see my part as clear as day, but hey, why mention it? It’s safer to keep it out of the conversation. After all, I would have to admit that I was wrong about something I defended so convincingly before. Goodness, talk about risk! 4th down, 15 yards to go.. Just punt.. play it safe! I can just be really forgiving you know (and isn’t it nice that she will offload some of my guilt)! Should I let her know and admit that I totally blew it.. again? Should I let her know that I struggle in this area, and it might take a while for me to get ‘better’ at it? Shhh Punt! … she will never know!

The ‘defensive’ and ‘safe’ move, makes it harder to win… when winning is defined by things that make a relationship truly successful (intimacy keeps coming to mind – knowing and being known).. Revealing our true selves (especially our flaws) usually feels risky, and hiding our true selves usually feels safe, but in actually, the opposite is true! Honestly, from my experience, it seems more like every time I punt, it gets returned for a touchdown against me, and whenever I ‘go for it’, I make at least a first down, and sometimes even score a touchdown..


Now I will be the first to admit, that ‘going for it’ doesn’t always ‘work’ in the way we might want it to, or think it should.. For example, in a previous relationship much of my ‘openness’ and ‘vulnerability’ seemed to ultimately backfire (relationship ended).. But truth be told, the situation and risk taking revealed our incompatibility, resulting in the ending of a relationship that wasn’t meant to be.. a winning play in the grand scheme of things.. My hope and desire is that I would live more and more in a way to win the game, and less and less to save face, or to play it safe.. punting less, and going for it more..

Well.. you may be facing a 4th and 5 at the 50 yard line.. Are you going to punt, or go for it? What’s your play coach?

Preparing for Disappointment

What If? By Coldplay

What if there was no light.
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme?
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.

What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song..
Could put right what I got wrong,
Or make you feel I belong?

Let's take a breath, jump over the side.
How can you know it if you don't even try?

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that's the risk that you take.
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life.
That you don't want me there by your side.

What if? What if my heart gets broken? What if I fail? If I “buy into the magic,” I will be more hurt if it doesn’t work out. The heart has to be protected…… reasoned…… desire for something amazing has to be held at bay until we are “sure.”

When my kids were little, we took them to Disney for a week. Being somewhat skeptical by nature, the X and I made a decision to “buy into the magic,” to allow ourselves to get excited about all that is Disney for our kids’ sake. So…..we looked for every character, wore mouse ears, skipped down the sidewalk and otherwise embarrassed our kids. You know what….we had a BLAST!! You know what else……Disney without the “magic” can be it’s own level of hell in Dante’s Inferno……lines, silly music, grouchy people. Allowing ourselves to be a kid again and to feel excitement set the tone for the entire trip.

Relationships are that way. Divorced people have a tendency to hold back emotionally (and honestly, so do a lot of single people). Although we may, “commit” to a relationship (and maybe even WAY too soon) we are still preparing ourselves to be disappointed. We were in love once and it hurt a heck of a lot……so love has somehow lost its luster….lost its shine….lost its magic. We are sometimes unwilling to let the relationship move at its own pace without feeling like we have to plan and control every move…every step. We cannot seem to “buy into” the thought that the other person is really “into” us without wondering at every step if there are signs that we aren’t seeing….reasons why we are not right for each other……preliminary yellow caution flags that may or may not precede a red relationship-ending flag.

What would it hurt to allow yourself to embrace the romantic….the magic…the feelings that go deep?? Do we honestly think that if we hold back and the relationship ends that it won’t hurt?? Really?? It’s gonna hurt……it’s gonna hurt more being in a relationship devoid of desire - - the desire of the heart.

John Eldridge writes this in his book Desire:

Most of you will by this time have lost a parent, a spouse, even a child. Your hopes for your career have not panned out. Your health has given way. Relationships have turned sour. We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don’t know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. After we’ve taken a few Arrows, dare we even desire? Something in me knows that to kill desire is to kill my heart altogether.

Desire is the source of our most noble aspirations and our deepest sorrows. The pleasure and the pain go together; indeed, they emanate from the same region in our hearts. We cannot live without the yearning, and yet the yearning sets us up for disappointment—sometimes deep and devastating disappointment. One storm claimed the lives of eight of Krakauer’s companions in the Everest disaster of 1996. Should they not have tried? Many have said they were foolish even to begin. Do we reach for nothing in life because our reaching opens us up to tragedy? Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy.

Desire…..allowing yourself to desire…to be vulnerable….to invest in the lives of others…truly invest. It’s much like being a kid again. Children have the innate ability to imagine the possibilities…..to experience great joy…..to run with no holds barred. What happens when Peter Pan grows up?? He forgets….he explains away…..he is skeptical.

So….what does that mean for me?? It means buying into the “magic” of life…of relationships…allowing my heart to grow….to love genuinely….to be “all in…”

Rescue Me....Nah!!

Growing up in Arkansas, I was enthralled with the story of Petit Jean Mountain - - of how the mountain got its name. Grandma had an old Arkansas history book on her bookshelf and on those hot, muggy summer days, I would pull out the book and read the story over and over again.

There was a French nobleman, Chavet, who gained permission from the king to explore the new world in the 1700’s in order to stake a claim to the land for himself. Chavet was engaged to a young woman named Adrienne Dumont (who is a kindred spirit!!). When Chavet told Adrienne he was off on this new adventure, Adrienne asked that they be married immediately so she could go with him. Worried about her safety and comfort, Chavet told her that he wanted to check out the New World first and if it was safe, they would come back together and be married in the New World.

So……Adrienne cut her hair, dressed up as a boy and gained employment on her fiancée’s ship as a cabin boy. She gave herself the name of Jean. Jean soon won over the hearts of the shiphands with his(her) sunny disposition and they affectionately called him(her) petit Jean.

The ship traveled up the Mississippi and up the Arkansas River to the foot of the mountain. Native Americans met the ship and welcomed the visitors. They invited them to stay atop the beautiful mountain all summer long. The Native Americans fell in love with petit Jean with his(her) spirit and joy for life.

At the end of summer, the ship was preparing to depart for France. The night before departure, petit Jean fell ill. His(her) body was wrecked with fever, convulsions, and sometimes delirium. Jean’s true identity was discovered and she begged for Chavet’s forgiveness. The departure was delayed and the nobleman, shiphands, and Native Americans did everything they could do to help Adrienne, but her sickness became more and more grave. Adrienne asked to go to the top of the mountain where she liked to sit and look over the river. The Native Americans built a stretcher out of deerskins and bore her to the top - to her favorite place. She died at sundown. Her grave still sits in my favorite place on the mountain. As a kid, I loved to sit there on top of the rocks and look over the whole world.



Adventure……..love……importance…..joy…..these are things that stir my heart. Female characters such as Eowyn, Cora in Last of the Mohicans, Sacagawea, Queen Elizabeth inspired me - - they were both beautiful, capable and oh so wonderful.

When I was young, I wanted to either marry Bo Duke (sigh), Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller of course) or Little Joe Cartwright (yes, it’s true). I wanted a part in their great adventure……in their life….in their family. Every day seemed to bring great adventure. I would practice my skills climbing trees, swinging from branch to branch…..rolling down the car windows and jumping through them….moving cattle from one place to another. As a teenager, I learned to drive on an old dirt road and loved nothing more than to fishtail up a hill in my Ford Galaxy 500 pretending that getting up that hill in lightning speed was of the utmost importance (sorry Dad!).

Where did that girl go?? I think I lost her for a while…..but she’s baaack!!!

The X and I had a different sort of relationship. I would characterize it as more of the Desi/Lucy show. I would get myself in all sorts of mischief and complicated situations and the X would enter the scene and in frustration and exasperation, holler “Lucy!!!.” (I think he actually did use that name from time to time)….. He would come home, flour all over the kitchen from the food processor……..animals would be out……paint would be in my hair….whatever. I would look a bit sheepish and apologize……bat my eyes and promise to do better and he would forgive me…..roll his eyes at my tendency for the complicated…..and know that I would never change. The X came to my rescue many, many times from my adventures……

BUT……looking at my life now….do I really WANT to be rescued?? Really?? Do I want a man who will come running in and save me at the last minute (while I am kicking myself for getting in this predicament….again)?? Really??

What I want is not a rescuer - - I want a partner in crime…..someone to have my back while we storm the gates of hell with a water pistol…..someone whose eyes will brighten at a crazy idea and say, “let’s do it…” I want someone who will declare at 11:00 at night that he really wants to cook some wonderful creation with our bounty from the garden…..right now!! Someone who will listen to the sounds of my heart…the desires of my heart and not think they are silly or unattainable. I want adventure----even in the mundane.

Rescue me?? Nah…..let's get out of our predicaments together!

Let's Do the Time Warp.....Again

It's astounding, time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I've got to keep control

It’s a Jump to the left….and a step to the right…….

We all know the dance……some of us all too well. Hearing that song ushers me back to the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show at age 16. I had never experienced anything so fun and interactive in all of my 16 years.

The Time Warp……..that place where our body is in the present, but our mind and emotion are in the past…..a sort of “Back to the Future.” I know the Time Warp well…….

It happens with my parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, old classmates……that place where I am an adult but somehow am stuck in perpetual childhood/adolescence in someone’s mind. How often have I said, “I am 40 years old, I think I can handle it…..” How often has my OWN child said, “I am 20 years old, I think I can handle it….” It’s the Time Warp.

Relationships are much the same. We get stuck in a certain “time frame” with others and use that point of reference to judge actions, motives, and even outcomes. The X did that to me during our marriage and it was so very frustrating. No matter how hard I would try to tweak those annoying traits of mine, he was still ticked off at past behavior. Progress was seen as failure because I hadn’t “arrived” yet….I hadn’t completed the inner journey to fix the problem (if only I had a Star Trek transporter to put me where I needed to be).

Honestly, I do the same with him. If he is late with something, I assume he is still being irresponsible….if he shows confidence in something (even HELPING me fix my plumbing), I see it as proof that he is still arrogant. If he is busy…….well, holy cow….he is still busy…..so I won’t even go there…….

We tend to see each other through the lense of “experience,” however, that is not conducive to reacting appropriately to each other’s change. When I trained horses, I always looked for the, “smallest change and the slightest try.” In training, if I overlook the “tries” the horse becomes dull and unresponsive. Conversely, when I reward the smallest try (by a simple release of pressure), the horse becomes eager to try again, try more quickly and the desired outcome of our partnership becomes easy and seamless.

In horse training, I have to be willing to always start at level 1. If I know that it will always take level 54 to get my horse to do something, and start there, I am taking away his ability to better himself. In human terms, if I know that I have to really get on Junior’s case to mow the lawn and I start at that place, we will never have the benefit of finding that good place to work together….that place of partnership. Capiche?

So for me…..I am looking to find those places with the X where I can work with him as a person instead of the X-husband….to see where he really tries and to really appreciate those things. Life is just so much better that way!

Gotta Have Game Time

Gotta Have Game Time

Fundamentals are so important. Basic skills of a sport laying the foundation of good play should be studied and practiced. However, they cannot be perfected unless there is some game time. Little Junior has had somewhere around 14 years of sports experience (and therefore Mom has had 14 years of sitting-in-the-stands-watching experience). I’ve noticed there can be holes in both the foundation of fundamentals and the perfection of skills if there is an imbalance of training and game time. I’ve seen kids thrown in the game without training of fundamentals. They typically emerge with bad habits that either (1) limit their abilities (2) hinder their progress or (3) set them up for injury of themselves or others. Conversely, I have seen kids practice fundamentals over and over, taking lessons, doing drills without being given much game time. They (1) get discouraged and quit every sport they try or (2) get so nervous in the game that they forget their skills and end up out of the game…..again.

Relationships are much the same. You have to have, “game time.” To perfect lessons learned and skills developed, you have to get in the game and allow yourself to play through the stress. The game shows our gaps and the gaps of the opponent. The game is fluid….it’s always changing and causes you to tinker with your skill and style at a second’s notice.

As The Man and I have reached the place where we are thinking of ourselves as a couple and not just “hanging out,” I have been surprised that all of the bad habits I have “gotten over,” start to reappear. This reappearance (much like the reappearance of a once thought dead soap star) has alarmed me and has set the stage of a few tense moments in the past few weeks. Listening skills I knew were perfected seemed to float out the window in the heat of a debate, encouraging words disappear from my vocabulary, once eradicated expressions of, “fine” and “whatever” have reappeared with a vengeance.

What has happened? Why have I reverted to old relational habits? I have been practicing, learning, trying………..so why are they back?

After a conversation with The Man about soccer….it hit me. He was talking about kids and sports and the need for game time. The Man spoke of the importance of playing under the stress of a game and how it changes everything. Split decisions have to be made - - last second modifications based upon the other player have to be done. He said that nothing can compare to the lessons learned in the game.

****lightbulb!!!!*****

It’s not that I haven’t learned new habits…….it’s not that I haven’t changed my playing style……however, I need “game time” to perfect those skills (as does he). The stress of a relationship - how much time is spent together, unmet or unrealistic expectations, hurt feelings, differences of opinions….all these things put into practice the lessons we have learned. Sometimes we will fail…..sometimes the old habits will come back.....sometimes the game is just hard….. If we take our toys and move on….if we quit playing…if we give up…..our skills will never be perfected. It takes time….but in the words of my horse trainer, Linda Black…..”I take the time now so that I don’t have to the time later.” In other words, if I allow myself extra time now (even if it is inconvenient) to work through issues and not sweep them under the rug, they will not keep reappearing…..getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Quite the converse! If The Man and I take the time now to work through issues that come up in our relationship in a healthy way, those issues will get smaller and smaller and smaller until they are but blips on our radar.

Besides……it’s much more fun to play the game than merely practicing our skills or watching others play!!

The Importance of The List

Walking through the door after my first post-marriage date, I felt a sense of excitement….of exhilaration….of “Holy Cow…what do I do now???” I had all kinds of questions (mostly about whether or not it was a date or just “hanging out”) and ju-ju-bees inside me….so I did what all women do, I called my best girlfriend, G, and shared my excitement….dissected every move….every word….every nuance (it’s what we women do)….

In sharing my thoughts on how much I liked him, G gently reminded me to keep my head in the game and suggested that I make a list. Being a lover of lists of all kind…..I thought this would be a fun diversion…..little did I know how much it would shape my philosophy of dating. G told me to list qualities-attributes I felt I needed in a potential life partner. Wow…that was thinking far ahead!! Honestly, I just wanted to go out and have a bit of fun and feel beautiful. Her words mulled through my brain for the next few hours…..questions of, “What do I need?” “What is important to me?” “ What type of man would I both respect and stay engaged with?” At 3am on December 11, 2007, I wrote my list in my journal. The List included things such as Close to Family, Likes to Dance, Passionate about God, Has Close Friends, etc.

The List has been an important conversation topic between my single girlfriends and myself. I have encouraged them to make their own lists….to really figure out what is important to them. It’s like networking - Who do you want to meet? Who is a good client for you? Narrow it down.

My suggestions for The List:

Positive attributes only - you can’t prove a negative…. ie: “doesn’t stay out late with his friends every night” isn’t a good list item (maybe he goes out every other night or every weekend or just simply doesn’t include you in his activities and you still have the “problem” that you are trying to avoid)- rather, look at the positive attribute you are wanting.

Keep the list somewhat short - the list does actually need to narrow down the field, however, for the list to be useful it can’t narrow down every single male in America.

Only put the important/necessary qualities on your list - not how tall, what kind of job, how many siblings, etc. It’s not a “wish list” but rather a target list. Although it may seem trivial to others, not dancing is actually a “deal breaker” for me…..it’s one of my favorite things to do and I spent many years with someone who would not dance….. therefore, it is on my list.

Make your list personal - who cares if everyone else in the world thinks a certain attribute is important……this is YOUR list and no one else has to see it. You are unique and your list should be as well.

Go back and re-read The List from time to time when you are dating someone. Trust me...one does forget. I honestly thought The Man would have a few of the attributes I so carefully thought out. However, when I re-looked at The List, he had almost all of them nailed down (yay!).

So…..what happens when you meet someone amazing, but they aren’t a fit? For me, when I find someone I have “chemistry” but doesn’t jive with my list, I put them in “The Friend Box.” There are many people I like hanging out with…but I don’t have to date them. If I really like them and they aren’t a “dating candidate,” I don’t simply move on and forget they ever existed……I invite them into my life as a friend and enjoy their company. If you look at it in networking terms, you are building an annuity stream of possibilities by building relationships rather than trying to “sell” yourself to everyone you meet. This is how I met The Man….through a great guy I have become friends with over the last year.

The question looms, “why date someone who is not a match for me?” Divorce is very lonely - being single is very lonely. There are times when I just wanted to feel special no matter who the person is…. Eventually, though, I realize this is not a healthy way to go about things - it is actually a recipe for disaster.

I was at a networking event at the end of a very long, tiring day. A glass of wine was definitely in my future! As I walked by the appetizer station, I saw the fried ravioli and made a bee line. Normally, this would be a total “yuk” for me…they weren’t really warm….nor were they particularly appetizing…but there I was piling my plate full. I was tired….hungry…..and stressed. I found myself eating every single one of the cardboard-tasting, cold, fried ravioli squares. I was momentarily comforted - - it met an immediate emotional need. Later, I felt terrible….not just because I ate something not on my diet “list”…but I felt sluggish from all the carbs…and knew that this was not a healthy choice.

Dating is like that - we make unhealthy choices to date people who are not a match for us simply because we want to feel special…..wanted….loved….beautiful….. We are tired from all of the dating…the rejection…the dashed hopes and just want to find someone….anyone. In the end, we are hurting ourselves by setting ourselves up for failure….and even by missing a golden opportunity because we are “with someone” and are no longer looking.

Is The List the “end all-be all” - - no way!! They are guidelines in the true Captain Jack Sparrow sense of the word. But The List can be an important tool to remind ourselves that we hold our opportunity for happiness in our hands….we can exchange our long-term happiness for short term comfort…..or we can invest in non-dating relationships and in those people who will be a true match. The choice is ours.

Surviving Valentine's Day

As I sit here at Hubbard and Cravens, drinking my earl grey tea, my mind goes back a few days contemplating the Valentine weekend… I had an amazing weekend full of friends, laughter, companionship and even a date…..yes, that is right….the girl who puts all into the friend box actually had a double date for Valentine’s Day. But of course, that is the subject of another blog……I am working on being transparent……but some things need to stay in my head for a while….

My thoughts for the past couple of days have gone to What Happened to Valentine’s Day?????

When I was a child, Valentine’s Day was one of my favorite holidays….. We spent a whole week in preparation - making “mailboxes” out of paper sacks, shoeboxes, envelopes and decorating them with hearts, glitter, cut-outs……it was just a beautiful holiday…..full of pink and red….lace…..candy…..love…..it was the highlight of the year. Before the class party, we would make the annual trek to Walmart to choose our Valentine cards and convince our parents that we truly needed candy to go inside them. Each card was addressed to my classmates with the selections thought out carefully. I loved getting all of the valentine cards and would sit for hours looking through them and of course sorting and eating the candy. My Valentines box/bag/envelope would become a treasure for the next month reminding me that I was liked…loved…..special.

Somehow as an adult, Valentine’s Day turned into a day full of pressure - of knowing in the back of my mind that I was somehow going to be disappointed….the expectation of having a dream deferred…a hope quashed. I know there are others who feel the same way. Why is that?? How did a holiday full of “community” - of parties, giving encouragement to friends, and of course, presents - turn into a day of isolation for a single girl (and even a married girl)?? Where did the shift begin?

Ghandi says to become the change in the world that you want to see…….so that is my goal - to take back those dates in my mind - - those dates on the calendar that loom over me like an anvil…..the dates haunt my soul and cajole me to eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies with a nice Cabernet.

Last year on Valentine’s Day, I called a guy friend to see if he would like to accompany me at the local Art Walk. We had a great time discussing art, drinking complimentary wine and eating fine chocolate. It was a great evening……and for the first time, I realized that I could take back the significant dates in my life and make them my own. I realized that I didn’t have to wait for someone else to plan, organize, or even generally make me feel special - - I could orchestrate my own happiness….and you know what - it worked. Two weeks later, I threw my own birthday bash…..it was a wonderful feeling….

So - I am taking back Valentines Day, my birthday, Easter, Mother’s Day, the Indy 500, the 4th of July, my old anniversary, my children’s birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. From this day on……these days will be filled with community, fun, food, laughter, and smiling caring faces…. The dates will no longer loom over me….reminding me of what “once was…” instead, I will create new memories to cherish and to add to the old memories.

As far as the date goes…..stay tuned……all is beautiful…..I feel special…..and for once in a very, very long time….I dare to hope and dream….

Seussical Dating

My adventures in dating over the year I have been divorced have been the subject of many journal entries and girlfriend discussions over wine. To put it mildly, it has been less of an adventure and more like a Dr. Seuss book for beginners.

As I meet prospect after prospect, I feel like the little bird asking everyone he runs in to, “Are you my mother??” He asks cows, and kitties, planes, and snow shovels if they are the “one.” It’s a strikingly accurate picture of my “process.”

In actuality, it is quite comforting to know that there is no drama, no crazy stories - just a quick evaluation and then “no.” Of course, this does explain why I rarely go out without my guy friends or my girlfriends…..

Saturday, I worked at the travel agency kiosk at the mall. As I stand there trying to look friendly, I see the shoppers walking through the mall, two by two - holding hands, pushing strollers, buying presents. I felt my life was missing something. The Christmas music, decorations and shopping bag after shopping bag acted as a megaphone screaming into my life that “you, Becky Pruitt, do not have someone to buy presents for.” It was enough to morph this Christmas fanatic into a bah humbug scrooge!

As single men passed my kiosk, I would look at them and ask myself, “are you the one?” Too young, too old, too thin, too heavy, bad shoes, old man jeans, too fabulous, not nearly fabulous enough, no interest on my part, no interest on their part….. I could feel my countenance droop, tears welled into my eyes and I started to inwardly pout. Like the little bird who eventually questioned, “Do I really have a mother,” I began to question myself. Maybe I am supposed to be single forever, maybe I should just “settle” for someone just to have someone - maybe I just need to get a freakin grip and realize that I have more important things to do besides planning my love life - like handing out travel information.

My shift ended and I headed off to celebrate my friend’s birthday singing karaoke. In truth, I wanted to simply eat massive amounts of ice cream and hide under my covers. In reality, I entered a smoky bar and ordered a margarita and chili cheese fries….same thing different zip code.

Hours later, as I was leaving the bar to go home - full of guy friend love and fun - I realized once again that the question really is, “Do I want to be found?” “Do I want to be caught?” “Do I need to be caught?” I have no one to make happy but myself - I don’t need to worry about living up to another’s standards - of disappointing them yet again. I can be myself and be loved for it - I can realize that I am valuable without a guy validating me. After 16 years of marriage, I had gotten hooked on the crack of seeking validation and not getting it. I had gotten so used to the unhealthy push-pull dynamic that it’s tough to operate without it.

So for now, I will revel in being the baby bird on the journey. I will celebrate the fact that every “no” answer I encounter means that there is a “yes” out there who will completely knock my socks off - as long as I don’t snuggle up to that cow or that airplane and get stuck!