How I Know My Heart!

My first wedding anniversary with The Man is tomorrow.  It’s hard to believe that it has been twelve months since we stood hand-in-hand amongst flowers and friends sharing our hearts and committing ourselves to each other.  Looking back, I see a perfect day—one that expressed our hearts completely.  We had no traditions for the sake of traditions – no hiding behind ceremony and pomp…..it was The Man and Me proclaiming our vows in a very vulnerable and dynamic way…with moments that twelve months from now I am still savoring! 

It was a long journey getting from broken heart to fullness of life—it wasn’t easy!  I spent many a night with a box of Tagalongs, a bottle of wine, and Under the Tuscan Sun.  The Man pursued me with 80’s music I had never heard of, quotes from G. K. Chesterson, and through his love of cooking.  We danced and we sang (actually he sang) and we debated everything from the Easter Bunny to music to whether or not dill should go in his Serbian salad.  Our hearts intertwined through mutual respect and joy. 

How easy it would have been to miss each other……

I have written many times about the importance of a List—you know, a thoughtful list of the type of person you would like to share your life with.  Dating is one big job interview---seriously….you are looking at the person, their interactions, personality and character traits to see if you are a good match.  If you can’t describe in detail the person you want to be with, how will you know if you find them??  We like to think that there is a big “aha” moment when we meet the “one.”  The truth is, sometimes our own dysfunction gets in the way of reality. 

Consider this:  when one gets divorced, ideally, she will take time to look inside herself and grow and change to be a healthier person.  Many people take years to unpack their issues – either on their own or in counseling to move to a better place in their lives.  They begin to see the differences inside themselves and start considering a serious relationship.  Sticking Point:  if you choose the wrong person, you don’t have a chance to take off the training wheels and use the lessons you have learned to have a healthy relationship-----you go right back into CrazyVille and that train ain’t stoppin for nobody.  It is easier to find the wrong person than the right person…….time always tells……and the wrong person can make anyone crazy!!!!

So back to my list and my butterflies…..  Here is my list and here is the proof that I am a very, very lucky girl!!! 

Passionate about God – this fits Veso to a tee……he eschews “religion” for the real deal----and lives his life as a person compassionate to others, giving and generous and seeks Truth.  This is something I appreciate so much about him!!

Passionate about a cause.  What I am learning is that it doesn’t have to be MY cause that he is passionate about – this one actually made me smile tonight. 

Nice Dresser – seriously, it may seem shallow, but I want to be able to look across the room and think, “dang, my man looks awesome!!!.”  

Has close friends - this is a must for me!

Attentive – This may be my favorite thing about him!!!!

Hangs back a bit….a watcher – After being with someone for many years who resented anyone who stole the limelight from him, I wanted to be able to shine on my own at times and not be resented for it.  This was essential for my heart!  I needed a man who measured his words and let others speak and who was perceptive of those around him.  V is so secure in who he is that he doesn't have to prove his worth by dominating conversations....he is generous in his listening to others.  He wants to get to know people on a real level and get beyond the surface.  

Sweet – Check!

Wants to grow – How refreshing it is to be with a person who is ever improving and ever learning.  It inspires me to do the same!!!!

Athletic – OMG – check!! I adore his soccer-man bootie!!!  J

Makes things happen – check!

Close to his family – quite honestly, this was so, so, so important to me.  I love my family and I could never be with someone who was ambivalent towards theirs.  V is a good son, a good brother and a very good dad.  I adore this about him!

Engages with other people – For a long time, I watched The Man on the soccer field—observing how he interacted with others and how they reacted to him.  He truly engages with other people, encourages them, asks them about their lives and laughs…..I love his laugh!!! 

Entreprenurial, Professional – check!

Likes Art, Music, Food, and Travel – Blessed am I that he is passionate about all these things!!!!!! 

Has a list of things he wants to accomplish – check…..not a written out list, but he has a loose plan for sure!

Positive outlook – Very much so!!

Reads – He is a true truth seeker and is constantly reading and learning.

Likes to Dance – Hooray!!!!!!!!!!  He is an 80’s dancing machine!!!!

Spontaneous – Way more than me for sure!!!

How lucky am I to have found someone who completely fits the bill!!  It doesn’t matter how “nice” they are or how “cute” they are or how many butterflies they put in our insides….. they have to be right for you.  My list is not your list….my priorities are not your priorities….. what matters is being focused on the type of partner you need in life and becoming a good partner yourself.

I feel quite blessed that The Man and I crossed each other’s paths and that we stopped long enough to realize that we were indeed a good fit……. Had we not paid attention, we would have missed it.  He is the love of my life….a partner in the truest sense.  He sees me----really “Sees” me and gives me the confidence to be even More “Me.”

Love you, Babe!  Happy Anniversary! 

Turning Tables

Close enough to start a war…..

I am enamored with Adele. She has been one of my favorite singers for well over a year now—she just has a soulful quality about her voice. I have been meditating on this song for weeks now. It started with that statement, “Close enough to start a war.” Those are the hardest kinds aren’t they? The emotional battles with those we love—the abandonment we feel when someone “checks out” during a fight—the shame we feel inside when we know we are pushing them away….but we don’t know what else to do….after all we are right…we are entitled to speak our truth…we feel unheard, unappreciated and (my personal favorite) ignored.

All that I have is on the floor….
God only knows what we’re fighting for…

In the midst of an all out cold war in the house…or maybe even in the heat of the battle, do I really know why I am angry/frustrated/ticked off?? Seriously?? Can I name it?? I have found myself a bit addicted to Grey’s Anatomy…it’s a new addiction actually…one fueled by the discovery that I can watch episodes through Netflix. In one episodes, the GI Joe doctor-man is seeing a therapist for his PTSD. The therapist says something profound—“you have to name it to examine it.” (or something along those lines). If I can’t name the feeling (rather than the action) then I am not really getting down to the bottom of things. If I can’t express why something is annoying me today when for the last six months it hasn’t been a problem, them I am not being honest with myself and with my loved ones.

All that I say, you always say more….

I have been guilty of expressing this feeling a lot lately. To keep the peace, I keep the peace…but sometimes peace comes with a price—emotional withdrawal—divesting myself in the outcome. Sometimes this can be beneficial…but most times, it is devastating. I feel unheard because I can be an emotional mute…afraid to act…afraid to speak…not because someone has made me afraid, but rather I am afraid of what I will say and the repercussions and stark vulnerability that sharing my heart brings.  I am unheard because I don't speak...so my feelings of being unheard are correct--just misdirected....

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me – no
I won’t ask you—
You would just desert me….

Bingo!! If I share the depths of my heart—my fears, my hopes, my struggles and you don’t “get me” or you judge me…I will be devastated. Desertion is not just physical…it can be emotional as well. There is nothing worse than getting up the courage and asking—only to be shot down. The stakes are high when I am asking for you to be there with me and for me—even when I don’t deserve it. So instead, in the heat of battle, I turn the tables—I point the eye towards you to take the penetrating glare off of me. I put you in the hot seat so I can breathe. Coming from a former marriage where emotional desertion was the mode operandi has taught me the skill of the emotional bob and weave—to position myself where the hurt has the least impact, butstill function (somewhat) in the relationship. It’s a hard habit to unlearn…..trust me…

It’s time to say goodbye—to turning tables…

Yay!!! No more turning tables!! But wait…there’s more!! Adele’s answer is to leave the relationship so she can breathe. She can’t ask…because she is afraid of desertion…she has no idea what they are really fighting for….so she goes…she walks away for relief. Sometimes I want to go there….I want to pack my bags and head for Tahiti…sand in my toes…mai tai in-hand and forget how to grow as a person. I am a runner by nature—it gets scary and I hide behind the big old oak tree…peeping around the trunk to see if it’s safe. I am the deer who freezes upon danger and then bounds out of the way----and into a mac truck. I vow to freeze my fleeing feet into place and wait and allow myself to be seen….and to be loved. I vow to ask even when my knees are knocking and I have mentally pre-determined the answer. I vow to love and to be loved—to be fully visible even when invisibility seems safer. I vow to get even closer and not stray to the perimeter. Fully present, fully seen, emotionally honest. Here I am.

Friendship is a Journey

The Man and I went home to the great state of Arkansas, the Natural State, the Land of Opportunity, Hawg Country, the state that holds all of my childhood memories in her hands. Both of our trips to my childhood home have been short and I have had to pack every memory I want to share with him into a scant few days...going to Lake Ouachitia (via boat and via meandering raft), wandering the farms of my grandparents, and eating my favorite Arkansas Cuisine (Stubby’s Barbeque and Catfish from Cajun Broiler). On this trip, we planned a visit to Petit Jean Mountain (subject of a previous blog about needing adventure). Petit Jean has a stunning view of the Arkansas River Valley were one can see for miles. Petit Jean also has a stunning hike to a waterfall, Cedar Falls. http://www.petitjeanstatepark.com/things_to_do/trails/cedar_falls.aspx

It was a beautiful day - not too hot and not too humid. The Man, my little Chickadee, my Mama and I embarked down the trail. Now, I say the words trail with a bit of hesitation as there were times when the “trail” was simply a stretch of large rocks to navigate, creeks to cross, and boulders to go around. Here in Indiana, if there is a sign that warns wannabe hikers that the trail is strenuous, you know that it has a bit of a hill grade. This trail, however, took strenuous to a new level!!! The Man at one point thought that Chickadee and I were out of our minds when we took shortcuts down the side of the mountain…..but I was home and I was happy!!

As we hiked down the mountain (and pondered our hike back UP said mountain), we kept an eye out for each other...stopping to give a hand to ensure no one slipped and looking for the best way to navigate large rocks, muddy trails and steep inclines. Sometimes Chickadee would lead, sometimes Mama would lead and sometimes the Man and I would lead chit-chatting along the way. Occasionally, one of us would go their own way for a bit (I just had to cross the creek instead of taking the rickety bridge across) and we would meet up again. We warned each other of impending danger...watch that poison ivy! Don’t put your hand between the rocks when you go down!! There might be snakes!!...and we took pictures at every opportunity.

From time to time, a woman would stop me and inquire about my choice of hiking attire. I had on a cute pair of black shorts, my Josef Seibel leather sandals (they are soooo cute and practical as they have excellent grips on the bottom and flexion - I wore them through Greece and Turkey) and carried my cute leather clutch from ReFind (a girl needs her purse). Now, being an experienced hiker, I understand the principles of good hiking shoes/socks/gear and am not in any way advocating unsafe behavior, however, I have hiked up Vesuvio in Naples watching Italian women going up the side of the volcano in short skits and stilettos…even the elderly women were wearing heels….but I digress. It gave Chickadee great pleasure to watch these sweet mother hens clucking away at my poor choice of attire, reminding her of all the times I fussed at her for shoe choices (although I still maintain that plastic flip-flops are shower shoes and should only be worn in the most casual of situations)….. Chickadee smiled her brilliant smile knowing that her mother is definitely, “one of a kind.”

What I enjoyed most about our outing was the ease of our interactions. We accepted each other as we were--limitations and all. We helped one another without judgment and offers of help were gladly accepted. When The Man presented his hand to help me up a rock, it was gladly received even though I am quite capable of scaling up the side of a rock. When Chickadee and I had different approaches to navigating the boulders to get under the waterfall, we allowed each other space to do so while keeping an eye out for danger. That’s what friendship is all about….being fellow hikers on the journey of life. Friendship is about allowing the other to take their own path (even though it may be different for a moment) and still helping them out (even if their path turned out to be a mistake). Sometimes in friendship, you get to stand underneath a waterfall and enjoy the majesty and beauty of it all and sometimes it’s the hard work of climbing to the top over rocks and trees and steep, slick paths. Our destination was the waterfall, but our journey did not stop there.  We had to do the hard work of going back up. It would have been nice to set up camp at the waterfall...to stay in that place of beauty forever…..but we had to keep moving….had to get back on the daily trail of life (and of course, look for our next adventure).

When I got divorced, I realized how important friendships are. I changed zip codes and began to rebuild my life...a life full of beauty and adventure, of being seen and being known, of new friendships and new horizons. The friendships I made are invaluable to me…but to make those friendships, I had to allow myself to be open to new people and face my own fear of being rejected by them. It is only in openness that friendships can grow. My girlfriends (and guyfriends) have helped me to soar to heights unimaginable three years ago.

So Here’s To the Journey!!! The journey is what it is all about.

The Currency of Trust

Pocket change…..quarters, nickels, dimes, pennies…..it adds up over time…but it does take time… John Maxwell equates trust with pocket change. You put in nickels, dimes, quarters when you build trust…..you take out nickels, dimes, pennies, quarters…when trust is somehow compromised either intentionally or unintentionally….in big ways and in small ways. Trust is a fluid thing…I think….it ebbs and flows…it builds….and diminishes. Lately, I have been thinking of trust as a beautiful fluid work of art - like the ocean…always moving….but beautiful nonetheless.

The idea of the Currency of Trust has been mulling through my mind for about a week or so. It started with me asking myself the questions, “Do I trust?” “When do I trust?” “How do I trust?”

If I trust someone in one area….is it reasonable to think that I will trust them in ALL areas?? I found myself chiding myself for not trying hard enough to trust…..and then I remembered currency….. $10 will get me farther in Southeastern Arkansas than in New York City….US currency may be strong in some areas and not in others. It’s the ebb and flow…..building….and cashing out.

My next thought was of the cashing out process…..what exactly is it that diminishes trust….even for a moment? Does it have to be a breach of trust..or can it simply happen when I am asked to trust in an area that I am uncomfortable? Over the weekend, I shared a story with The Man about my “ancient history.” My knees were knocking my mind was racing. I was telling myself that this is NOT a good thing…..this is a scary thing equal to the monster under my bed… The Man was supportive and completely non-judgmental…but days later, I found myself questioning…..some of the trust pocket change had been spent…..BUT it is an investment, not a loss.

I realized that when I allow myself to use some of that trust pocket change and allow others to draw out of my “account,” the rewards can be great. It is an investment in the future of our relationship - a chance for trust to grow.

Some people simply say that they aren’t trusting people because of their past. They need a constant stream of pocket change put in their account……but here is a thought…..if you hoard your change in a bucket….all you have is change in a bucket…..but if you allow yourself to invest trust in someone…..a business partner, a relationship, a sibling, a child that trust will grow….it will build. Will you be disappointed?? Absolutely without a doubt….but as you grow your bank of trust with others, you will see your relationships change.

So….where does that leave me???? Where is my point of growth?? To trust where I have not trusted before…to allow myself to be vulnerable in areas where I may fail…..where I may once again cry my eyes out…..to let the past be the past, learn the lessons I needed to learn and let go and trust. Who knows……it may lead to something beautiful inside myself.