Sometimes, I just wallow……I have a bad day….a bad week….a bad year…. I open a bottle of wine……pour a pot of earl grey tea……devour a box of tagalongs….and cry on the shoulders of my girlfriends…..and they understand me…..love me…and support me. But sometimes I wonder……am I allowed to wallow in happiness?? Better yet….do I allow myself to wallow in happiness.
T.S. Eliot wrote in The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, “I have measured my life with coffee spoons.” Do I do that with happiness?? Do I measure it out with a teaspoon?? Not too much…..just a small bit will do…..after all, I don’t want to be obnoxious….to brag….to set myself up for a fall.
Why is it that when I am happy, I downplay it all? Why do I hesitate to share it to the full extent? Will others accept my joy as much as they accept my pain? If I share my excitement for the future……will I look like a fool if it doesn’t work out??
I have found myself mulling over this a lot lately. I have noticed that I measure out my happiness….my success…..my joy. I am quick to point out my failings. When someone walks into my house, I make sure to point out how messy it is…..when someone compliments how I look, I am quick to acknowledge those few pounds I’ve gained. It’s not that I can’t accept a compliment with a simple, “thank you.” Oh, I can do that…but in my head, I tick off the things they didn’t notice….or that they just didn’t share.
So, I think I am going to practice the art of happiness……or better yet….the art of sharing my happiness. Truth is…..at this point in my life, I am happy…I have such hope for the future. My hope is not about a certain relationship (although that is going very, very well)….my hope is about where I am going….what I am planning….. For the first time in my life, I get to plan the life I have always wanted and it is exciting. At 40+ years old, I no longer care about the shoulds and want to focus on the coulds.
So for today…..instead of wallowing in the muck and the mire of a crazy life…..I choose to roll down hills of flowers…to lie on the warm earth…..watch the clouds and dream of possibilities…..and best of all, learn to share….to share my success….to share my joy…and to share my hope of good things to come!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
THe Rebound Guy
Last week I had a two hour lunch with a girlfriend - - oh how I LOVE two hour lunches….especially those that include a nice bottle of wine!! These girlfriend lunches are times to share our hearts….our experiences…our hopes for the future.
On this lunching occasion, the conversation gravitated towards relationships (I know…shocker….girls…lunch…wine….talk of boys)….specifically of rebound relationships.
The rebound relationship is just that…..a rebound relationship….that relationship you have when you are not quite ready and quite healthy enough to have a long-term relationship. It is not necessarily a negative experience…..and sometimes it is even important.
Rebound relationships can tell us that we are likeable just as we are….that we are important….good enough to care about….beautiful….wonderful. Some would say that we should find these things on our own without involving another person. While that may be true….it may not be reality.
My rebound relationship was somewhat unexpected. I can remember countless conversations with my girlfriends about whether or not we were actually “dating” or just friends. I had not planned on being in a relationship - - I had been married for a bazillion years and the prospect of dating scared the bejeezus out of me. Our relationship taught me a lot - - mostly that I could communicate with a member of the male species without breaking dishes…..hanging up the phone….or slamming doors. The relationship taught me that I could breathe….if only for a moment….and enjoy life. It taught me that I could be liked for myself and not have to apologize for who I am.
In the end, the relationship was not to be long term……our lives were going in two different directions. Although we were compatible and had lots of fun, our differing expectations of life eventually drove us apart.
I can remember being so brokenhearted….so distraught….so determined that this relationship could work. Stepping back, I see my determination was more about being able to hold ANY relationship together than holding THIS relationship together. See….I was desperate to show to myself (and to my ex, if I am completely honest) that I am capable of having a healthy, happy relationship. That was of the utmost importance to me. I was determined this was not going to be the cliché rebound relationship……. In the end, if my rebound guy wouldn’t have been firm with the terms of our break-up, I would have walked on nails….swallowed my pride….tried to become someone I am not….simply because I wanted to stay together. Holy Cow….that was just like being married to my X…..
It was so difficult…..I thought I was going to be alone forever. My girlfriends consoled me….my guy friends took me out…they would tell me things about myself that I could not see….I became even more determined that I was not dating material…..that I had no interest in a dating relationship (see last year’s posts)…… I had to take some time to figure out what I wanted in life….to see who I am….to learn to make myself happy (and quite honestly, learn what makes me happy).
So as the holidays are approaching, I see many relationships turning to survival mode - - oh my goodness….I have been there…..”just give it until after the holidays….” “but we have plans for Thanksgiving at my parents so we can’t break up now…” “but I will never find someone who will do those things for me….” “but,,,,He might propose…” and on and on and on and on. Girlfriend (and guyfriend) don’t loose sight of yourself……don’t loose sight of the fact that some relationships are simply ones of transition. If you find yourself holding on to something that just isn’t working……let go. Loosen your grip on the relationship…..allow it to float away….see what it is that your need in a relationship AND what you bring to a relationship. Don’t hold on to something because of fear…..as fear is the opposite of love.
It’s a scary thing……realizing that you are in a rebound relationship…..but don’t let your pride…or your fear keep you from happiness…..
On this lunching occasion, the conversation gravitated towards relationships (I know…shocker….girls…lunch…wine….talk of boys)….specifically of rebound relationships.
The rebound relationship is just that…..a rebound relationship….that relationship you have when you are not quite ready and quite healthy enough to have a long-term relationship. It is not necessarily a negative experience…..and sometimes it is even important.
Rebound relationships can tell us that we are likeable just as we are….that we are important….good enough to care about….beautiful….wonderful. Some would say that we should find these things on our own without involving another person. While that may be true….it may not be reality.
My rebound relationship was somewhat unexpected. I can remember countless conversations with my girlfriends about whether or not we were actually “dating” or just friends. I had not planned on being in a relationship - - I had been married for a bazillion years and the prospect of dating scared the bejeezus out of me. Our relationship taught me a lot - - mostly that I could communicate with a member of the male species without breaking dishes…..hanging up the phone….or slamming doors. The relationship taught me that I could breathe….if only for a moment….and enjoy life. It taught me that I could be liked for myself and not have to apologize for who I am.
In the end, the relationship was not to be long term……our lives were going in two different directions. Although we were compatible and had lots of fun, our differing expectations of life eventually drove us apart.
I can remember being so brokenhearted….so distraught….so determined that this relationship could work. Stepping back, I see my determination was more about being able to hold ANY relationship together than holding THIS relationship together. See….I was desperate to show to myself (and to my ex, if I am completely honest) that I am capable of having a healthy, happy relationship. That was of the utmost importance to me. I was determined this was not going to be the cliché rebound relationship……. In the end, if my rebound guy wouldn’t have been firm with the terms of our break-up, I would have walked on nails….swallowed my pride….tried to become someone I am not….simply because I wanted to stay together. Holy Cow….that was just like being married to my X…..
It was so difficult…..I thought I was going to be alone forever. My girlfriends consoled me….my guy friends took me out…they would tell me things about myself that I could not see….I became even more determined that I was not dating material…..that I had no interest in a dating relationship (see last year’s posts)…… I had to take some time to figure out what I wanted in life….to see who I am….to learn to make myself happy (and quite honestly, learn what makes me happy).
So as the holidays are approaching, I see many relationships turning to survival mode - - oh my goodness….I have been there…..”just give it until after the holidays….” “but we have plans for Thanksgiving at my parents so we can’t break up now…” “but I will never find someone who will do those things for me….” “but,,,,He might propose…” and on and on and on and on. Girlfriend (and guyfriend) don’t loose sight of yourself……don’t loose sight of the fact that some relationships are simply ones of transition. If you find yourself holding on to something that just isn’t working……let go. Loosen your grip on the relationship…..allow it to float away….see what it is that your need in a relationship AND what you bring to a relationship. Don’t hold on to something because of fear…..as fear is the opposite of love.
It’s a scary thing……realizing that you are in a rebound relationship…..but don’t let your pride…or your fear keep you from happiness…..
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Galoshes
When I was a little girl, I loved to wear my galoshes. I had to walk to school every day…..and I loved the rainy days….those days meant for my clear, domed umbrella and….of course, my galoshes. No puddle was unexplored…unsplashed….no curbside river was left untouched. In my galoshes I was invincible…..safe…..unfettered by the rain.
Fast forward three and a half decades…….I am standing in the home of the X….watching my bride-to-be daughter give direction to those of us setting up for the wedding….she is so beautiful…and excited.
The wedding-weekend weather seemed a bit sketchy…..cold…and rainy….so I packed my cute black galoshes with bright red cherries just in case the reception tent became a muddy mess (yes, I was a girl scout….always prepared). So……on Friday, there I was standing in the home of the X….or more appropriately CLEANING the home of the X….the home where I raised my children…my dogs….my horses….my cows…it seemed that my X was neither a boy scout nor a girl scout as he certainly was not prepared for 160 people to descend upon his home in 24 hours…….but *ahem* that’s why he is the X. But in the end, I love my daughter more than I want to see my X squirm so I cleaned…and cleaned and cleaned… (I am expecting a nomination for sainthood from the Pope any day now)….. and not surprisingly, without an ounce of gratitude or even a simple thank you from the X…..
The stress level begins to mount……
Having a house full of people was a great distraction to me that weekend…..I got to cook….to entertain….to open wine bottles I’d been saving (gotta love that Rockpile Zin…..yum!)…. It also gave me an excuse to show up for the wedding just in time to help the daughter into her wedding dress……she was absolutely stunning! The most beautiful bride I have EVER seen!!!
The X’s house is full of people…..it’s cold outside…..very, very cold outside…so as people arrived, they gravitated to the house instead of the outside chairs. Thankfully, we had prepared a separate room for my family and me to get ready for the wedding. I plugged in my curling iron and slipped on my red Jessica Rabbit dress (I hadn’t intended to dress as the “Hot Mother of the Bride” but try finding a red semi-formal dress without vavavoom!). I slipped into the powder room to put on my makeup. Suddenly, someone burst into the room….all bouncy with a high-pitched over-the-top girl greeting…..it was an old “friend” of mine (you know….the one I wrote about in my last blog…the one who ditched me to hang out with my X)……I tried to match her excitement…..to give her the benefit of the doubt…..to reconcile my feelings with how she was greeting me……I hugged her back and resumed making myself forever-photo ready.
Walking into the dressing room, I noticed my curling iron was unplugged…..my things had been moved…..and saw that my “friend” had taken over my space. Furious, I walked back out of the door……heart pounding…..palms sweating…..and stopped in the hallway…wondering what to do. The home was now completely full of people and there was nowhere for me to go……what to do…what to do…… It hit me…..I am the Mother of the Bride… Turning around, I opened the door and walked back in (Pale Rider playing in the background of my mind)…..I firmly but calmly ask my old friend to please find another place to get dressed…and told her how I felt about her ignoring my emails and Facebook requests. Did she hear my voice quiver? Did she have any idea how awkward this was for me….did she even care?? Now I feel like a jerk……I am stressed to the max…..I need a drink….well….maybe drinking isn’t a good idea…..
Pulling myself together, I head to the center of the house where friends and family were congregating. There was a sea of people and all seemed a blur….noise all around me…..people all around me…..stress….stress…stress……I look around and saw a familiar pair of warm brown eyes watching me….loving me….waiting for me….. The Man puts his hand on my shoulders and I breathe a sigh of relief. This is going to be okay……
The wedding was beautiful……my daughter is now a Mrs. and we head to the reception. Although I won’t bore you with all of the crazy details of the ceremony, photos, and reception blunders…..I will tell you that I now call it National Lampoons Wedding Week….as there was craziness after craziness after craziness….but like Clark Griswold’s Christmas decorations…..all turned out beautiful.
Sitting in my chair at the reception, drinking a glass of fine red wine….I reflected on the day……wondering how I was going to get through the rest of the evening with me on one side and the X on the other…..with His and Hers family and friends on either side of the dance floor. Then…….I remembered…..I had brought them after all……my cherry galoshes are under the gift table….waiting. I looked at the Man and said, “It’s time for the galoshes.” Slipping them on was such a freeing moment…….galoshes with a stunning red dress……that is soooo Becky Pruitt…… I grabbed the Man’s hand, stepped out onto the dance floor and splashed in every puddle life gave me that day.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ouch!!!!
So……my feelings are hurt…..really, really hurt. I am not sure why - after all this time - that they are still hurt, but I cannot lie….it smarts!
Going through separations and a divorce with the X was very difficult……and it is expected to be difficult. It’s hard to live with and love someone for 16++ years and suddenly let go. That is expected and a “known” factor. The unexpected, however, was the friends who suddenly disappeared from my life as a result.
I understand that this is common……I understand that people feel they have to choose one person over another…..or that they may refuse to choose and leave both parties behind. It is understood in my mind, but that message has a hard time traveling to my heart. I invested myself in my friends…..I cared for them…..and allowed myself to be transparent enough for them to take care of me in return. We cried together and played together……learned together and laughed together. What happened????
My friends leaving was almost as devastating as my X leaving. Given…..the X and I were together way longer than my friends and I were…..but in all reality, I can see the things I did to put a wedge between myself and the X…..I can see how I hurt him…..deeply at times…..I remember (cringingly) the fights, the hurtful words, the drama that happens at the end of a marriage…..and (although I don’t like it) I can see why he felt he needed to leave. But my friends…..what happened?? It seemed as if they were there one minute and then they were gone….poof….out of my life forever. Why? Well….I KNOW why……the uncomfortableness…..the busy-ness…..the “out of sight, out of mind” syndrome…..and the inevitable….”I just like the X better…..we have more in common…..” Ouch!! Really??? You want to pick HIM?? Really??
Now some say that if my friends left, then they weren’t really my friends. While this is a comforting thought…..I have pretty much dismissed it out of hand. How many times have I gotten busy with my life and left friendships to wither in the dust? How many times have I not known what to say and then said nothing at all? How many times have I lost contact with someone I really connected with? Did it hurt them? I think it did…. Sometimes people suck (myself included). People miss the mark. They hurt people they care about……and…..sometimes…..I think they simply stop caring. Ouch!
So…..I have tried to get back in touch with one said friend. I email her from time to time and have even sent a facebook friend request. It’s been sitting around…..unanswered…..until I checked last night…..and it was officially ignored. Ouch! I racked my brains……what in the world did I do?? How did we go from close girlfriends….to casual friends…..to “I can only be friends with your X?”
How I want to fix it!! How I want to internalize it and make it somehow a result of my actions……so I can fix it…..and make everything right…….
But….the lesson for me today is not to fix……not to take on guilt that is not mine to take……and like my Man always tells me….to be sad and be okay that you are sad….period….no fixing…..no need to force the rainbow….no tying it all up with a big pretty red ribbon. In other words….be real…..and allow others to be real in return. It doesn’t have to make sense…it is what it is.
Going through separations and a divorce with the X was very difficult……and it is expected to be difficult. It’s hard to live with and love someone for 16++ years and suddenly let go. That is expected and a “known” factor. The unexpected, however, was the friends who suddenly disappeared from my life as a result.
I understand that this is common……I understand that people feel they have to choose one person over another…..or that they may refuse to choose and leave both parties behind. It is understood in my mind, but that message has a hard time traveling to my heart. I invested myself in my friends…..I cared for them…..and allowed myself to be transparent enough for them to take care of me in return. We cried together and played together……learned together and laughed together. What happened????
My friends leaving was almost as devastating as my X leaving. Given…..the X and I were together way longer than my friends and I were…..but in all reality, I can see the things I did to put a wedge between myself and the X…..I can see how I hurt him…..deeply at times…..I remember (cringingly) the fights, the hurtful words, the drama that happens at the end of a marriage…..and (although I don’t like it) I can see why he felt he needed to leave. But my friends…..what happened?? It seemed as if they were there one minute and then they were gone….poof….out of my life forever. Why? Well….I KNOW why……the uncomfortableness…..the busy-ness…..the “out of sight, out of mind” syndrome…..and the inevitable….”I just like the X better…..we have more in common…..” Ouch!! Really??? You want to pick HIM?? Really??
Now some say that if my friends left, then they weren’t really my friends. While this is a comforting thought…..I have pretty much dismissed it out of hand. How many times have I gotten busy with my life and left friendships to wither in the dust? How many times have I not known what to say and then said nothing at all? How many times have I lost contact with someone I really connected with? Did it hurt them? I think it did…. Sometimes people suck (myself included). People miss the mark. They hurt people they care about……and…..sometimes…..I think they simply stop caring. Ouch!
So…..I have tried to get back in touch with one said friend. I email her from time to time and have even sent a facebook friend request. It’s been sitting around…..unanswered…..until I checked last night…..and it was officially ignored. Ouch! I racked my brains……what in the world did I do?? How did we go from close girlfriends….to casual friends…..to “I can only be friends with your X?”
How I want to fix it!! How I want to internalize it and make it somehow a result of my actions……so I can fix it…..and make everything right…….
But….the lesson for me today is not to fix……not to take on guilt that is not mine to take……and like my Man always tells me….to be sad and be okay that you are sad….period….no fixing…..no need to force the rainbow….no tying it all up with a big pretty red ribbon. In other words….be real…..and allow others to be real in return. It doesn’t have to make sense…it is what it is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)